In my world,
there's only one thing worse
than running out of toilet paper-
and that is
running out of coffee.
I will put on a pot of coffee
before I even comb my hair,
find my slippers,
or look outside to see the weather.
I am not really sure what happens
if I go without caffiene any
great length of time-
because I always keep back-up coffee
in the pantry.
For snow-bound days
and forgetfulness
and all-nighters.
But, this morning,
as I scraped the last grain of grounds
from my Maxwell House can,
I panicked.
Did I even have reserves left?
Was there any off-brand, generic,
Big Lot brew to even substitute?
Like a bear after honey,
I scoured the cabinets for coffee-
shaking canisters and opening crocks
and digging way back-
past the outdated baking powder
and the petrified garlic salt.
"Whoo-Hoo!" I shouted,
as my eye caught sight of
two small cans of flavored coffee.
It had been a gift years ago-
one of those Christmas packs
of coffee, tea and cocoa.
Luckily, I had the forethought
to store away what hadn't
been used that holiday season.
Even though I had never heard of
Zavida brand Affters coffee,
I was willing to consume anything
that would take the edge off
my ever-increasing homicidal mood.
"What's this?" my husband asked,
setting his coffee cup down with a
look of nausea.
"Duh. It's coffee, you silly," I perked up,
not yet tasting mine.
"Where did you scrape it up at?" he puckered,
"Another one of your rummage sale finds?"
"Well, Mr. Smartie Pants- I'll have you know
that it's 100% Arabica coffee,
roasted and blended in Canada", I advised him.
"Kinda far from Columbia, wouldn't you say?'
he tested me.
"The label says that the flavor
will go straight to the heart
with comfort and joy," I read.
"Really?" he said sarcastically,
"And just what flavor is this?"
"Well..." I said, suddenly feeling
rather Lucille Ball-ish,
"I mixed some different kinds together
to have enough for a full pot.
It's Eggnog, Almond, Gingerbread,
and Hazelnut-
with a pinch of Pumpkin Pie
and Peppermint."
"Taste it," he commanded.
"Oh- it can't be that bad!" I scowled.
"Coffee is coffee.
It's all made from ground beans.
And in this case, a bit of flavoring added."
I put my cup to my lips-
"Smells like...like... Pine-Sol...
tastes like...well...ugh...
it's not that bad..."
The drive to town this morning
helped wake me up.
I bought ten pounds of real Colombian coffee.
And when I got home,
I was out of toilet paper.
