Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I Spy

I'm an observer.

I suppose that's a good trait
in any aspiring writer,
but too bad I notice little things
that don't really amount
to a sensational blog post.

For example:
Did you know that
you can tell a lot about someone
by the magazines that they
keep in their bathrooms?

I suppose we're getting a little personal here,
but reading material always seems to help
the natural elimination process go a bit smoother.
Don't you agree?

I like to keep a nice variety in my bathroom.
Mostly it's Country Living,
Better Homes and Gardens,
and Real Simple.

But in order to be fair,
I also have a nice stack of
Bowhunting, Cabela's,
and Acoustic Guitar.

Currently, I've added some
Halloween magazines,
costume pamplets,
and an old Fright Catalog.

I've noticed that my sister likes
People, Woman's Day,
and LTD.

I've been in bathrooms
that sport full length novels,
daily newspapers,
TV Guides
and crossword puzzles.

I've been staying at my son's house a lot lately.
Every time I sit down to do my business-
there is nothing but Entrepreneur ,
Runner's World, and Men's Health
in his bathroom library.

I picked up Runner's World
and studied the cover.

The World's Most Dangerous Gym

Interesting, I thought.
Come to find out, it's a gym in Afghanistan
near active combat.

I was sorta thinking that any gym
with ellipticals, tread mills,
and stationary bikes
would be pretty dangerous.

For me.

The Men's Health wasn't much better.
Those good-looking young guys
are clueless to what happens once you marry,
have kids, drink beer, eat pizza and wings,
and stop working out.
Their cuteness is temporary, I'm sure.

Runner's World?
Who cares how many styles if Nike's they make?
Or how sports bras are designed -
or that running on the Great Wall Of China
was a dream come true?

Needless to say,
I brought along my
own magazines this week.

My dear mother-in-law
always had a book on the back of the toilet.

It was a little orange, pocket-sized Bible.
I suppose she hoped that anyone
who spent a great deal of time in there
might emerge a better Christian.

Couldn't hurt.

Even waiting room magazines 
are reflections of the people who own them.

Doctors offices have Yacht World,
Investment Portfolio Monthly, 
and Golf.

Auto Repair shops make available:
Consumer Reports , Car and Driver,
and Grease Monkey. 

My local SpeedLube only sets out
Motor TrendGun World,
and Highlights for Kids.

These places have no clue
that the majority of people
in their waiting rooms are women.
Women who need to pass the boring
spaces of empty time away
with a picture of great new furniture,
the scoop on latest fashions,
a new recipe for dinner,
or a bittersweet story of romance.

I prepare my bathroom magazines for company-
just as I would prepare a nice meal.
If I know you are visiting and like cartoons-
I'll make sure there's a copy of Dilbert or The Far Side.

If you're into cooking- I'll give you Food Network.
I'll even supply a Fishing Guide or a Cosmo
if that's what my friends require.

But nothing-
and I mean NOTHING-
is worse than not a shred of reading material at all
except for the liquid soap container
and the Kleenex box.

Your magazines say a lot about you.

I oughta know.

Because I'm an observer
and that's what I do.