Saturday, September 25, 2010

I Crumbled

Some things ought to be illegal.

...Or at least socially unacceptable.

When individuals prey on
the weaknesses of others,
I think it's time for retribution.

I'm just not sure what the prison sentence is
for wiping out a troop of Girl Scouts.
Yes, I said Girl Scouts!

Those cute little pre-adolescents
with their horde of badges
that ambushed me at the gas station.

Isn't it enough that the price of gasoline
practically wipes out my bank account?
And then to have these female children taunt me
with their boxes of delectable cookies-
well, I crumbled.
(No pun intended).

Luckily, my husband was with me.

Now he can't blame me if we both
gain ten pounds of Thin Mints
or an extra belly-roll full of Samoas.

That little scout was ready to twist that
twenty dollar bill from my grasp
before I even got a chance to take a good look
at the giant display of colorful cookie boxes.

I actually had to step back
and tell her I was still in the choosing process-
that when you get sideswiped unexpectedly-
it can be emotionally crippling.

I had an angel on one shoulder
and a devil on the other.

The devil hissed, "Oh, wouldn't those be great
with a cup of coffee tonight?"

And the angel whispered,"Absolutely no sweets
should be brought into your household. You know
how you are."

The devil provoked me further.
"A couple of boxes won't hurt. Do thirty minutes
of aerobics and it will all be good.

Then the angel spoke.
"Remember those jeans in your closet
that you've promised to fit into by spring?
Cookies won't make that happen."

I was ready to grab that scout
and her goofy-smiling troop leader
by their jolly green sashes
and ask them why they were so content
on this unspeakable torture.

Then all of a sudden I heard my husband say,
"We'll take five boxes."

Five boxes of cookies that know my name?
My very heart?
The weakness of my dessert-loving appetite?
Five boxes of cookies that will
cling to my thighs like giant koala bears
and fluff up my cheeks like an overdose
of Botox?

I was almost ready to beat my husband
over the head with a box of shortbread-
until the angel said,
"All right. It is for a good cause. Just get it over with.
And...make sure you get some of those peanut butter ones, okay?"

So, on the way home
we thoughtlessly consumed a whole sleeve
of coconut-chocolate-encrusted confections
that had no business anywhere near our lips.

"It's all your fault," I said to my husband
as I wiped a bit of melted chocolate
from my chin.

"My fault? I had to do something quick!" he snapped.
"You were drooling all over that poor girl's handbook
and your eyes actually started spinning when she brought out
the Lemon Chalet Creams!"

So, you see-
those scouts not only ruined my budget and my diet,
but also came dangerously close
to ruining a perfectly harmonious relationship.

I actually have a cup of hot coffee right now....
...the cookies are there on the counter...
...we did spend twenty whole dollars...
...I'm out of breakfast cereal...
Oh- screw it!

Cuz like I always say-
Every cookie needs a belly!"