Monday, July 27, 2009

The Stupidest Blog I've Written So Far

I've tried my best to expose you all
to the many untraditional holidays

and mini-celebrations
that you may not be aware of.

But today's holiday beats all.

Probably on the top of the "strangest" list.
Today is
Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day.




I always attempt to

conform to society,

so I figured,
"What the heck?"-
I'll participate in this special day
and actually take
my houseplant for a walk.

The first problem was picking
which plant got to go with me.
The dying fern,
the wilted ficus,

or the droopy philodendron.

Fern looked the least likely
live much longer,

so I chose to take her
her last round through
neighborhood as a final farewell.

Believe me-
the leash was a booger
to attach
because every time I tried,
another brown leaf would snap
or crunch-
or float sadly to the carpet.

I finally clipped onto the plastic pot,
and away we went.

I knew immediately that
the whole thing was a big mistake.

Every yard I passed was overflowing
with colorful flowers
and immaculate greenery.

Ferns the size of
small elephants

swayed from porches
and decks-
and soon neighbors began to stare

as I continued to drag
anorexic plant down the walk.

I glanced over my shoulder
just in time to see another

handful of brown leaves
drop off
and trail behind us.

People came out onto
front steps and pointed.
Most glared.

Some even heckled.

But, even worse,

one lady threatened to

report me to Plant Abuse Hotline.

I slipped into the nearest
coffee shop where Fern and I

were safe from critical eyes

and decided to rest for awhile.

I ordered a Cafe' Latte for myself

and an Espresso Miracle Gro
for the plant.

But, as I feared, it was
really too late.

The guy behind the counter
staring at us as I tried
hide Fern beneath my jacket.

It didn't help that the shop

was full of bouncing banana plants-

full and green and obviously
well cared for.

I felt like a failure.

By the time I got back home,

Fern was simply an
half-empty pot
of old soil-
her soul being lost somewhere

between the soccer field

and Tommy's Tires.

But one thing the

Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day

did for me
was to make me realize that

we are not all cut out to be
"plant moms".

We don't all have green thumbs,
magic soothing voices,
rooms full of sunshine,
and entire days to prune
and pick

and primp.

I must admit that I can't even get

my Chia pet to grow.

better days are yet to come.
Friday's odd holiday is
National Cheesecake Day!


Sorry, Fern.