Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'll Have'ta Pass On The Skinny Jeans

A few months back,
I had the excruciating chore
of having to try on clothes.

In today's society-
if you're not a size four
and eighteen years old,
it becomes a sea of fashion
that can easily drown
a woman like me.

My four-year-old grandson
happened to be with me that day,
and, as I removed my jeans
to try on a pair of capris,
he looked at me critically
and said-
(with his bit of boyish lisp)-
"Nana- you sure have
thubby little legs!"

Well, of course I do!
Unlike my daughter- (his mother)
who evidently ate ostrich food
sometime during her growth spurt
and now owns a nice set of long, lean limbs.

Needless to say,
my shopping then came to
an abrupt halt-
and my self-confidence
was shattered beyond repair.

I knew my legs were old.
And lily-white.
And a little vein-y.

But "thubby?"

Was that stubby, chubby, or tubby?

Either, way-
I was a loser!

But today I may have found the answer.
Leg lengthening!

It's the newest craze in plastic surgery.
Now you can have new boobs,
new face, new body,
and new legs!

Doctors must first break the leg bones
and a cast must be worn for nine months.
The cost?
Around $26,000.

But one young Russian woman
who had the operation performed
hopes to gain at least four inches
in the length of each leg.
And she describes the healing as
a pain of joy-
confident of a successful outcome.
(Even though a quarter of the patients
experience side effects
such as bone infections
and malformations).

On second thought-
I really don't have the luxury
of sitting around on crutches
for nine months.

I don't have $26,000, either.

And, to me- no pain
is considered a joy.
They are completely opposite feelings,
and - on my emotional chart-
they are extremely far away from each other.

I suppose I'll have to continue on
with the legs that God gave me.

But what were you thinking, God?
Of all things...