Monday, April 20, 2009

Is There An App For THAT?

While visiting my sister
the other day,
I couldn't help but notice
my nephew Austin's
cool iPhone.

Although I'm a true
tech dummy,
lately I've been trying
to expand my knowledge
of the huge variety
of computer savvy
wonders now available
to us all.

Austin showed me a few
of the applications
that his iPhone has,
(Also known as "Apps"),
and I was blown away
by the utter
"neatness" of the
whole thing.
Also, the weirdness.

He could blow softly into
the microphone outlet
and it would transfer into
a flute sound on the phone.
Then he could listen to someone
on the Earth that
was also "playing the flute"
at that very moment.

if he hummed a song into it,
the phone would
tell him what song it was
and the artist.

Austin also had a keyboard App
where he could play piano.
He even had an App to
measure your mood.
Too cool!

I did some investigating
when I got home later,
and was totally amazed
all the number of Apps
and fantastic devices
that are available.

You can keep track of your
bank balance,
keep a grocery list,
tune into a personal trainer App,
and watch your calories.
You can calculate
fast food nutrition info,
read the Bible or
Stephen King,
and even take an IQ test.

There are hundreds of things
you can do on a simple
little phone.

It got me to thinking about
what kind of Apps
I would need if I ever
own an iPhone.

I've made up seven of my own.

1. NSF Advisor:
This cool App will buzz loudly
and actually shock you with
a live electric current when your
bank account slips dangerously
near overdraft.

2. TP Alert:
This technically outrageous App
will not only tell you that you are
out of toilet paper at home,
but it will also tear off the empty
cardboard roll and replace it.

3. Foot Fun:
This health-inspired App
turns your phone into
a foot massage. Simply
activiate the App, slip on the
handy disposable germ guard,
and rub your soles for
a relaxing break at work.

4. Tubby Tooter:
This miracle App sends out
a high decibel honk
whenever you cross the
fat line into obesity.
(According to regulations
set by the FDA, AMA,
and Hostess.)

5. B.O. Boss:
Running late and forgot
to slap on your deodorant?
No worries.
With this App, your choice
of under arm care is dispensed
through the microphone.
This state of the art App
will save you from tortuous
social embarrassment.

6. Breathalyzer Buddy:
Not only does this App
detect garlic, onion,
and other unattractive halitosis,
but a simple puff of breath
on the phone screen
will tell you whether you
are under the legal alcohol limit
for your state.

7. Sorry!
This indispensable App
is a virtual novel of excuses.
Want to get out of going
to your cousin's baby shower?
To tired to cook dinner?
Forgot to pick up the dry cleaning?
Well, just type your problem
into the phone and it will
offer a hundred legitimate excuses
for every situation.
Guaranteed to work.
Never be caught off guard again!

Yes, I'm getting more and more
tech smart everyday...

Someday, I might even learn
to keep my cell phone charged.