There is a lot being said nowadays
about being prepared for an
economic depression.
Not only are they telling us
to save money,
but some professional experts
are suggesting that we also save food
and learn basic wilderness skills.
Most people, including myself,
would be hard-pressed to make it
just thirty days on stored food
and minimal resources.
Yeah, I can just see it now....
SURVIVAL DIARY
DAY ONE:
The twenty pounds of rice, fifty pounds of beans,
large hoards of coffee, onions, peanut butter
and potted meat are stacked in
the back bedroom.
We are so pleased that we actually had the forethought
and prudence to plan ahead.
In these trying times, we feel confident that
kicking our oldest daughter out of her room
was the best decision for our future.
Too bad we didn't think to get her clothes
out of the closet before stacking the huge
pallets of soybeans in front of the doors-
followed by the tons of sugar, flour, salt and molasses.
This has led to a very educational story
about how she should learn to survive on wearing
just two pair of jeans she had in the wash,
some broken sandals,
and a Garth Brooks tee shirt.
However, we are all dreading winter
because our coat closet is shoved full
of bandages, aspirin, cold formula, antacid,
beer and tobacco-
so we can't get to anything in there.
DAY TWO:
Staying at home and conserving
on gasoline and electricity is
a cleansing experience.
My husband has been playing his
guitar (and singing so sweetly)
as my daughter and I are joyfully
caught up in a variety of board games.
I think I could live like this forever
and don't know why we didn't choose
this lifestyle sooner.
DAY THREE
The rice is simply delicious and I think
the peanut butter crackers went rather
nicely alongside it all.
We milked the neighbors cow
and had a good dose of our daily calcium.
However, we had to break into the
first aid kit because the cow stepped
on my husband's toe
and I fell down a flight of stairs
looking for a a pair of binoculars to
spy on the weirdos next door.
All in all,it has been a lovely day.
DAY FOUR
We had beans and rice with
peanut butter as dessert.
It was very filling.
We were going to have potted meat
but I forgot to stash a can opener.
Perhaps we will get one
when the budget allows.
Light bulbs are top priority now.
We failed to consider the possibility that
they might all blow out at once.
We have burned all the birthday candles
down to little nubs-
and believe me-
it's a real pain to read a book
by that small and
short-lived flicker.
DAY TEN
I haven't written for awhile.
We ate so many beans that the
mix of methane gas and birthday candles
set the house on fire.
Luckily, it was contained to
the kitchen area,
but now we are cooking
from a hot plate on the bathroom counter.
Our daughter got so sick of lentils
that she drove her car over a
can of Spam to open it
and she had that for dinner.
I hope those chunks of tire tread
and gravel
won't disagree
with her sensitive tummy.
DAY SEVENTEEN
Rice. Rice. Rice.
I hate it!
And we have eaten so much peanut butter
that the roofs of our mouths are
permanently sealed!
But, we stopped talking to each other
days ago
because after eating so many onions,
we couldn't stand each other's breath anyway.
The beer and tobacco is gone.
We thought sure there was at least
a six month supply.
Who knew?
DAY TWENTY-THREE
Our toilet paper supply is dwindling
and we have no recourse except to
use extra coffee filters as substitution.
My daughter refuses to
play board games any longer.
In fact, I am worried about her.
She just keeps rocking back and forth
and twisting her hair in knots.
I could swear I saw her eyes rotate
in dizzy swirls last night.
I am getting a little irritated
with hearing my husband's
guitar rendition
of Free Bird.
And if he sings Desperado one more time
I believe I will choke him.
DAY THIRTY
We have survived a month of living
on our hoarded supply of food.
The remaining fifteen pounds of rice
is infested with bugs,
the mice got into our beans,
and all the cases of canned goods
froze last night because
we conserved on heat.
Our hot plate went on the blink,
the coffee pot blew up,
and I smashed the guitar with
a giant sledge hammer.
My family is driving me crazy!
I just have to get the hell out
of this self-made bunker of
survivalist bull crap.
I'd shoot myself
but the bullets
are in the coat closet.
