Thursday, October 2, 2008

Condemming Comfort Food

There are a few things in life that I have learned
by just working in the kitchen.

1. When you add "Tomato" and "Sauce"-
you get a great combination to pour over pasta.

2. Add "Coconut" and "Shrimp" and you get
a fantastic seafood appetizer.

3. Put together "Honey" and "Butter
and you've whipped up a delicious spread
for a sweet dinner roll.

But add the word "Food" to the word "Comfort"
and you know what you get?


It's true.

This time of year, all you see advertised
is "Comfort Food".
It's on every check-out aisle tabloid at the grocery,
every cooking channel on TV-
every buffet table in town -
and every Baptist church potluck for miles around.

I am fighting back.
I started by canceling my magazine subscriptions.

I mean, how does a weak woman like me
even try to resist the cover page
when it is slathered with Double Chocolate
Carmel Turtle Cheesecake?
Or Deep Dish Cheesy Chicken Pot Pie?
Or even Crunchy Creamy Cole Slaw with Bacon?

I quit watching the Food Channel, too.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record,
I once again point my finger at those
"food pushers" that delight in
watching us "full-figured" women
trip over ourselves as we try to get to
the macaroni and cheese!

I am so sick and tired of Rachel Ray
flaunting her perky little body-
hopping from the sink to the fridge to the stove-
(in a mere 30 minutes)-
using words like "yummy" and "goodie"-
smiling with her greasy "E-V-O-O" smile-
and trying to feed us "COMFORT FOOD"
like it won't hurt a bit!

I vomit each time I watch Sandra Lee
put her little apron on her 14 inch waste
and juggle her size 40 boobs
while she makes some incredibly delicious
meatloaf and lemon cake
that she labels as "COMFORT FOOD" -
all the while trying to convince us
that she actually eats the stuff.

And although Paula Dean is a more realistic size,
her bubbly personality and sugary energy
is nauseating.
It just makes me want to eat an extra serving of
Rocky Road Fudge
and drink a half liter of rum.
I mean, who can be that happy
when they are contributing
good, old fattening "COMFORT FOOD" to society?

But, I do hear there are women out there that can handle it.
Women who can break off a slice of pound cake
the size and thickness of a butterfly wing
and confess they are "stuffed".
Women who can eat a miniature chunk of
German Chocolate cake and
not even think about it again until it's moldy!

There are those female freak-a-zoids
who serve Beefy Winter Stew
in bowls the size of a cupcake-
(with ONE cracker, even!)
Or fix a single home-made deep dish pizza
to serve a family of five!

Blame it on the weather, hormones, or
the stars alignment in the heavens-
but comfort food is pure evil.
There is no doubt about it.

But no changing it, either.

"Comfort" is all things to all people.

"Food" is all things to all people.

And "COMFORT FOOD" is all the things I want, people!