Yes- everything I ever needed to know about fashion
I learned in the dressing room at Target.
And I am here today to share
the top ten things with you
for your entertainment
and invaluable future reference.
1. Those really aren't Fun House mirrors.
They just seem like it when you are standing
in front of them dressed only your underwear
and your stupid black socks.
2. If you think the jeans look
"sorta big" on the hanger-
don't be fooled.
To save time and trouble,
take at least the two
next bigger sizes
to the fitting room with you.
3. Don't try on bathing suits, tank tops,
belly blouses, or lingerie
while eating a candy bar or hot wings.
It's really so very unattractive.
4. Don't let the smell of buttered popcorn
and hot dogs from the food court
distract you from your mission of trying on clothes.
It will still be there when you get out.
Believe me. I know.
5. For heaven's sake, wear your
good bra to the store when shopping for clothes.
Nothing looks worse under a clingy sweater
than a sports bra gone bad -
or nothing screams "Help !" more than
a dingy Playtex that has lost it's
Cross Your Big Fat Heart support.
6. When you are in the dressing room practically naked,
children you forgot you even gave birth to
will page you over the loud speaker
or call you on your cell phone-
(that is ringing somewhere under
the pile of clothes that didn't fit.)
Don't answer it- they'll just say-
"You're doing what?"
7. Don't buy white pants
unless you are anorexic or
you're POSITIVE that you look good.
The odds are, you will probably end up
looking like a giant stuffed sausage.
Or a really ugly Celine Dion.
8. Try to keep quiet.
Suppress the desire to grunt,
complain, shriek, burp or pass gas.
Because, yes, they can hear you.
9. Never trust your own opinion.
Take friends or family along for a good laugh.
But, seriously, make sure you know some
dirty rotten secrets about them.
That way, they will always tell you how
thin, beautiful, and fashionable you look-
even in those awful leggings.
10. Don't buy it unless it's on sale.
That way, if you wear it a few times
and realize you look like a complete fool,
then it will be easier to accept defeat
if you paid a bargain price and not a small fortune.
But, we all make the wrong choices now and then.
Some of us take a little longer to learn
the dressing room lessons than others.
But the most important thing I have learned is this:
There is a sure fire way to
erase those fashion mistakes.
It's called "Donate to Goodwill".
