Saturday, October 4, 2008

Mr. Clean

I am not sure all of you heard the sad news from last week's headlines.
And I'm so sorry to break it to you, but...
Mr. Clean died.

I won't say "I told you so",
but we all know that
the warnings were there.
The writing was on the wall.
It was just a matter of time before
he succumbed to the rigors
and impossibility
of keeping a clean house.

Being a big bald man,
he survived longer than most.
But, eventually, even his Scrubbing Bubbles
finally lost their effervescence.
One minute he was on his hands and knees
cleaning the crap off the toilet seat bolts,
the next minute-
he was Magically Erased!

It just goes to prove one fact.
That no matter how deodorized
and disinfected you get,
some little germ is gonna seek you out
and find you-
sneak in under
that double-thick latex glove-
and put the whammy on you.

I can't say I really knew him very well.
I kept him on a high shelf
and brought him out in emergency situations only-
like when the in-laws came to visit
or spring-cleaning fever
got me a little crazy in the head.

I'd open the cabinet
and see his smiling face
and his broad, crossed arms,
and I'd think to myself -
"The floor really needs mopped. "

But usually, I just shut him back up
into his little cubicle
and let the insanity pass.

I have always said that house work can kill you.

Yet, Mr. Clean kept to his mission
even though things got tougher in
homes all across America.
There were outbreaks of salmonella in the kitchen,
E.coli in the bathroom,
bacteria in the bedrooms,
and parasites in the pantry.

He even changed his name to
the new "Mean" Mr. Clean.
He got mad at dirt
and became a virtual "grime fighter".
But, Mr. Clean has had many names.
Sunshine Fresh, Lemon Refreshed,
Lemon Bright, Two Fisted...

Personally, I wondered if there
was a Mrs. Clean.
(You know, a big muscular guy
(with an earring no less)-
cleaning house all day...
He should have been at the gym
or making a living at professional wrestling.
I'm sorry, but it just made me a lit-tle su-spi-cious.)

But, let's let that pass for now...

I am here to save all you do-gooders,
clean freaks and germ-a-phobs.
Heed this warning- all of you-
There is no fighting house work!
NOTHING stays cleaned, straightened,
organized, or germ-free.
NOTHING stays sparking, fresh,
bright, and shiny.
Cleaning house is a vicious, vicious circle.

And Mr. Clean paid the price.

Please celebrate his futile efforts and join me in song
with a final jingle.
Mr. Clean got rid of dirt and grime
And grease in just a minute !
Mr. Clean would clean your house
And everything that's in it !
Mr. Clean ... Mr. Clean ... Mr. Clean...