Friday, October 3, 2008

Me and Sarah P.

The other day I was asked if I liked the VP candidate Sarah Palin.

A big dream balloon appeared over my head
and I held my pointing finger to my lips
and looked toward the clouds.
I instantly had video daydreams
of different scenarios-
of how things might play out
if Sarah and I crossed paths....

Video Daydream #1:

Mrs. Palin is sitting at her desk in the front of the room.
She is my grade school teacher. I am her student.
Her hair is pulled up nicely into a school-teacher bun,
her fashionable eyeglasses reflecting a
super-organized notebook upon her desk.
Her home-room is decorated with log cabin decor
and there's a moose head hanging over the chalk board.
Her pencil cup is a rainbow trout and her
briefcase is simulated yellow pine.
All the kids love Mrs. Palin.
I like Mrs. Palin, too.
She talks so sweetly.
I even ask her if I could
grow up to be President someday
and she says,
"You betcha!".

(Background music: America the Beautiful.)

Video Daydream #2:

I've been in an accident
and they are taking me to the hospital by ambulance.
Waiting in her perfect white scrubs
in the ER entrance
is Nurse Palin.
She smiles and tells me everything is going to be fine.
A seasoned doctor who has practiced
many, many years begins to take my vitals
and suggests brain surgery.
Nurse Palin suddenly takes over,
knocks the doctor to his feet,
and wheels me into the OR.
I somehow trust her-
hoping that she knows what she's doing.
And then she smiles those pearly whites
as wide as possible
and screams at the staff,
"Okay- let's drill, baby, drill!"

(Music: The Theme from Saw 2.)

Video Daydream #3

My buddy Sarah and I are on a camping trip with our husbands.
Slung over her shoulder is a
.300 Winchester Magnum pushing a 200 grain bullet.
We are all dressed in lumberjack flannel
and me and Sarah have our hair pulled up
with camouflage bobby pins.
We hike through the woods,
across the mountains...
Laughing as we ford streams and
admire the wildflowers.
As the sun goes down, we head back to camp,
crossing a bridge that spans into the darkness.
We tell some jokes, drink a beer or two,
talk about "the good ol' boys"
and all of a sudden I realize
we have been walking for hours.
It is past midnight.
"Where in the heck are we,Sarah?" I panic.
She looks down her nose
through her designer glasses at me and says,
"Well, Sweetie- don't you know?
This is the Bridge to Nowhere"...

(Theme from Deliverance begins to play.)

Video Daydream #4

I see her.
All dressed in her tight skirt
and button-popping blouse-
her neckline plunging
dangerously close to her navel area.
She's going for that innocent school-girl look-
with her hair pulled back
and her wire-rimmed glasses hiding
those painted eyes-
her firm body hanging on the bar
like a lecherous leech.
I see her.
Smiling and laughing with all the guys-
(My drooling husband being one of them)-
bragging about her latest Elk hunt,
teaching then how to change the
clutch belt in a snowmobile
and explaining how she broke a fingernail
field dressing Alaska's record-breaking Grizzly...
I am fuming mad and insanely jealous
and finally march up to her and shout-
"Just who do you think you are?"
She crosses her legs,
licks her lips, and exclaims,
"Why, I'm a Maverick, honey."
And then she hits me in the face
with a soccer ball.

(The Bonanza theme song begins to play-
immediately followed by a medley of I Will Survive,
I Love This Bar,
and I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.)

The dream clouds finally fade away
and I am awake.....

I realize that even though
I really don't know Sarah Palin,
I do like her and I think she will be good
for the American people.

So- if you are still dreaming-
it's time to wake up.
It's time to get real
and cast your vote on November 4th
for McCain/Palin.