Friday, November 6, 2009

Turkey Boob Jobs

I'm the kind of gal
that likes to do research
on things that grace
my dinner table.

Brussels sprouts are related
to the cabbage family.

There are 343 calories
in a cup of eggnog.

Good aged steaks are
dried for up to 20 days.

You know-
stuff like that.

So, it was only reasonable
that I did a little research
on the turkey.

Personally, I prefer
the white meat of the bird.
Good thing.
Because my husband likes
the dark meat.
the only thing we
fight over at the table
is the wishbone.
(And occasionally, the
last piece of pie).

But I have discovered
some disturbing facts
about that juicy bird breast.

There are so many
growth hormones and steroids
used in turkey breeding today,
that birds bred for big breasts
cannot even stand up
due to the added weight.

The hens are so heavy
that they cannot be bred naturally,
but have to be artificially inseminated.

According to USDA Agricultural
Research Service poultry physiologist
Ann M. Donoghue,
“Essentially 100 percent of the nearly 300 million turkeys produced annually in the United States for consumption are the result of artificial insemination.”

And how about this startling fact?

As one industry publication explains, “If a seven pound (human) baby grew at the same rate that today’s turkey grows, when the baby reached 18 weeks of age, it would weigh 1,500 pounds.”

And did you know that
turkeys have heart attacks?

The United States Air Force
was doing tests on breaking the
sound barrier and when
the loud jets would fly over,
turkeys would run and drop dead.

So, I conclude that possibly
every turkey you've ever eaten
died from heart failure.
I mean, if you saw the butcher
coming for your throat
and your breasts were so heavy
that you couldn't even run-
wouldn't you go into
cardiac arrest?

Friends, I hope I haven't
discouraged you from
selecting a prime bird
for your holiday festivities.
That was not my intention.

But I might just stick
to the pie this year.

On second thought,
I better go do some research
on the pumpkin.