Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I've Got Your Number

The other day I had to
look up the phone number
of a local sporting goods store.

I grabbed a county phone book,
a tri-county phone book,
a yellow page directory,
a business directory,
a city directory-
and a 1998 toll-free numbers book.

By the time I found it,
I was grouchy,
and ready to shoot someone!

Of all the crazy things
that people invent-
why hasn't someone
improved the phone book?

I would love to see a universal
phone directory
that you just plug into your phone.
You then type in your request
for information.
It finds it
and dials it-
and that's that.

all modern phones
and cell phones have
a directory where you can
call "husband" "home"
or "grandma" in a split second
or at the sound of your voice.

But sooner or later,
you're gonna have to call
some new pizza place
or warranty center
or general info number.

That is when you will wish
your phone book was
new and improved.

How about some type of electronic
Rolodex like those Kindle books
where you have access to numbers
at the push of a button?

I am sorry,
but I admit that every time
I use the phone book, I curse.

I say the alphabet in my head
trying to figure out where
the crazy number will be found
in the giant number novel.
Then I squint my eyes
in an attempt to read it.
8? Or a 6?
1? or a 7?
3 or a six or an 8?
To me, it's
like little ants or
pepper flakes on the page.

Then I gotta go find my glasses
and by the time I get back,
the page is lost and I start over...

God forbid I have to look
up a government number!
Would it be listed in the city,
county, state, or federal section?
Do I connect to information,
the manager?
the treasurer?
the assessor?
the clerk?
Regional? District?
or community?

And, another thing-
how in the heck did some of
these people on the
other end of the line
get their jobs?
Rude, monotone,
uppity, little weasels
that pass the buck
and put you on hold for
the next available representative.

while I'm at it,
I might as well tell you
that nothing gets my goat more than
hearing a foreign accent pick up
when I am on a
complaining rampage
and want immediate action.

"Soory, Mz.Fazeer- You do not like this proo-duct? You want I shood return eet?"


I simply refuse to talk
to anyone I can't understand.

Or someone that has a
written script that they
keep repeating.

got side tracked there.
I usually don't rant.
(I leave that to my husband.)

I know, I know-
you are wondering why
I'm complaining about
the stupid phone book
instead of politics,
world hunger,
the environment,
or Whitney Houston's return.

All I can say is-
you must have dialed
the wrong blog.