Monday, November 23, 2009

Beneath The Stuffing

This morning I got to thinking-
(I do that sometimes, you know)-
that it is so easy to spout off
all those wonderful things
that you're thankful for.

Kinda like an Academy Award speech:
"I'm thankful for my husband and children
and family and car and house and boat
and food and sunshine and cell phone
and and all that good stuff..."

But I decided it would be
so much more interesting and creative
if today I would talk about
all those things I am
NOT thankful for.

if you are Miss Positive, 
Mrs. Sickening Sweet, 
Naturally Beautiful, 
or Overly Blessed-
you may not want to partake
in this depressing load of crap.

I'm NOT thankful for :

  • Drivers in this town that think the middle turn lane is a "speed up and drive to beat me" lane.
  •  The way a squeeze bottle of mustard forms a greenish scab around the plug if you don't clean it regularly.
  • People who turn on their Christmas lights before WalMart even discounts the Halloween merchandise.
  • Deer in my headlights
  • Ladies adult sweats that feature the Loony Tunes.
  • Shopping for a pair of dress boots and realizing you only have three options: Tire-tread goth wear, 5 inch stilettos, or I'm over 50 and require these Velcro straps.
  • Victoria's Secret ads.(Makes us normal women look like trolls).
  • Getting almost home and realizing Burger King forgot to give you the fries, one drink, and the extra Whopper.
  • Cleaning up after the Thanksgiving meal
  • Hot flashes. (I can warm up my coffee to 110 degrees if I hold it long enough).
  • Bratty kids in the grocery store whose noses are spouting yellow snot and they're touching all the produce.
  • The printer running out of ink at the moment you desperately need something printed. (Never, ever does it when you're copying coloring pages for the grand kids).
  • Mirrors
  • Generic perfumes that claim to smell just like the famous expensive brands and actually smell like the unisex bathroom down at Casey's gas station.
  • Under wire bras. ( especially ones with barbed wire!)
  • Zip to Open plastic bags that really mean Take A Giant Butcher Knife To Get Me Open.
  • Those stupid yodeling Ricola commercials.
  • Watching The Godfather for the thousandth time.
  • Hair dressers that think a trim means playing Edward Scissorhands for thirty minutes.
  • Women who flaunt their cleavage like it's a new pet.
  • Cashiers, bank tellers, operators, attendants, or any public employee that apparently missed job orientation the day they studied Smiling.
  • People with bluetooths that think they are cool and important because they have loud laughing conversations with invisible people in the line at the grocery store.
  • Totally cooking a chicken and finding a little paper bag of guts inside while carving it.
  • Celery or carrots after hiding three months in the crisper
  • Eating almost an entire hot dog and realizing with the final bite- that the bun was kinda green.
  • Tubes of toothpaste that are too full to throw away yet, but too empty to get anything out of.
  • Unannounced company that arrives just when you got comfy in your pajamas and favorite chair.
  • Raking leaves, shoveling snow, mowing grass
  • Untangling Christmas lights
  • Photographs. (In most of them I know I look like Smeagol from the Hobbit! ).
So, you see,
I have put a new twist on
the Thanksgiving tradition.

And if you think I'm being 
a Negative-Nancy-
just wait till I 
write my Bah-Hum-Bug post!