Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Making The Best Of a Bad Situation

I read today that Cuba
is running short on toilet paper.

Don't you just hate when that happens?

There is nothing worse than
sitting down for a long, restful
intestinal elimination-
(politically correct for "a big crap".),
and find
all that's hanging on the holder
is a flimsy cardboard tube.

It's okay if you're home alone.
You just hike your pants up far enough
to waddle to the closet
or stagger down the hallway
to fetch the Charmin.

But when the house is full of guests,
the only solution is to sit for awhile
and contemplate your situation.

Should you open the door and yell
"Toilet paper!"?

Hope someone will get worried and
finally come check on you?

Plot how you are going to get revenge
on the person who used the last
two-ply cottony-soft sheet?

Just pull 'er up
and deal with the stripes later?

Living a few miles in the country
has always been a challenge
when you run out of something.

Out of ketchup?
Use bbq sauce.

No sugar?
There's honey.

Beer gone?
Enjoy some wine tonight.

No toilet paper?

Well, I have personally
chosen a few alternatives
when the family is in a pinch.
My all time favorite is
paper towels.

I know that Mr. Bounty
didn't quite have that
kind of "quicker picker upper" in mind,
but, hey- it works.
Just make sure not to clog the stool
with those super absorbent
cloth-like towels.

A lot like toilet tissue
as far as weight and texture.
But don't make the same mistake I did
and accidentally use the
tissues that are infused
with Vicks Vapor Rub.

Another thrifty substitute
is coffee filters.
Cheap, eco-friendly
and easily disposable.
They can be a little rough,
but hands down better than
the local gas station's toilet paper.
(Which I suspect
once gave me splinters.)

If all else fails,
I have told my children
just to soak that cardboard tube
in water for awhile
and it should become pliable enough
to get the job done.

My kids hate me.