Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Interview With Tarzan

Tomorrow is National Underwear Day.

Everyone is pretty excited about it-
except Tarzan.

I did a little interview with him this morning,
just to get his take on this important holiday.


We are seated in a grass nest-
far above the jungle floor-
the monkey and bird sounds
are deafening,
but I manage to have a conversation
with Mr. Tarzan-
whom many consider "the King".

Q. It's National Underwear Day.
Do you feel that it may finally be time
to give up your loincloth?
In fact, many civilized people might consider
your style a bit unsanitary.

A." Listen, Sweetie- I'll have you know that
I changed my loincloth at least
three times today.
Once after my daily swim
the alligator infested river-

A second time for my dinner date,

and a few hours ago
that lion came up behind me

and scared the crap out of me!"

Q. Many historians have credited you
as the designer of the first pair of underwear.
Your thoughts?

A. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. If it hadn't been for the giant leeches, monstrous mosquitoes, and a particular man-eating plant- I might still be sitting here completely naked. Like they say- necessity is the mother of invention and jungle rot isn't something that antifungal cream will soothe.

Q. There are so many options out there
for today's man.
Would you ever consider boxers, briefs,
or thongs?

A. Well, Missy- as a matter of fact, I have given all those a try. I found the boxers to be a bit constricting when I sprint across massive pools of quick sand. The briefs make me look like a chimpanzee, and once, when wearing a thong- I was mistaken for a baboon in heat.

Q. What does Jane think of your
fashion choices?
And by the way-
how is your family?

A. Boy ran off and joined the Boy Scouts, and Cheetah fell in love with some gorilla thug.
And if you must know, Jane is no longer living with me here in the jungle. Once upon a time she depended on me for food, shelter and protection. But since I bought her that GPS, the Hummer, and that Visa Card for Christmas, she just doesn't need me anymore.

Q. Would you accept my invitation
to return with me to the states
and celebrate National Underwear Day
in New York City?

A. Sorry, Babe. The local cannibals have invited me to some big barbecue or something they're having later. Thought I'd check it out. Raincheck?

Q. Not likely now, but thanks.
Any last words?

A. Awwww-Eeeee-Awwwwww!!

No matter how you decide
to celebrate National Underwear Day-
at least start with a fresh pair.

Even Tarzan knows that.