Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wednesday's Rant

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I don't really know much about it
accept that there is green beer,
shamrocks and cabbage.

I suppose that's reason enough to celebrate.
And, if you like the color green
and leprechauns-
then this is your day.

But I'm not really here today
to talk about St. Patrick's Day celebrations.

I am here to offer a little etiquette advice.


Maybe I'm being too hard on some people.
Maybe they are in wheelchairs
or on extended tropical vacations
or are still waiting for Santa.

I happen to pass by this certain nice home
every time I go into town.
The porch is still covered with

A big wooden sled,
a holly wreath,
strings of lights
and red bows.

Seriously, people.

Get out of your cave
and take a look around.
Daffodils are blooming,
for Heaven's sake!
We have already celebrated
New Years,
Valentine's Day,
Groundhog Day,
Daylight Savings Time
and now
St. Patrick's Day.

Please take that crappy snowman
off your porch
before I go insane!

For one thing,
it was sorta tacky to begin with.
Too cutesy, really.
A bit overdone.
I bet you've got a house full
of coffee-dyed dolls
giant metal stars
and red, white and blue.

That's perfectly fine.
I can't see it.

But that snowman on the porch
is about to get drop-kicked
into next Christmas
if you don't remove him soon.

I'm growing tired of his
irritating coal-studded smile,
stick arms
and over fluffy red scarf.

I know they have local ordinances
that issue tickets for junky yards,
abandoned cars,
expired yard sale signs
and such annoying things.

I vote we ticket people
who leave their Christmas decorations
out past the first of March.

Who votes with me?

The whole freakin world can't wait till spring
and whoever you are in that big green house-
you are forcing winter upon us every time we pass.

I would hate to be your neighbor.
'Fraid we'd be having a war going on about now.

Hey, I'm easy to get along with.
You can have your gazing balls
and yard silhouettes
and even those creepy Expedia garden gnomes.

But, please...
Spring is only three days away
and Christmas
was three months ago!
Nix the porch decor.


That's my rant for today.

Now- here's wishin'
you fortune and rainbows
and the luck 'o the Irish!

Top 'o the mornin' to ye!