Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Battle of the Bulge

It never fails.

Every single time I get a
good head start on my diet,
some celebration-
or holiday-
or important event
sabotages my success.

Fattening food just seems to find me.
Seeks me out.
Smothers me.
Attaches itself to obvious places
on my anatomy
and sucks the skinny out of me.

I find it's easier to
give in
than to fight with
punch it out with pastries,
or joust with junk food.

It's a losing battle.

Especially this time of year
when the Easter Bunny
starts pooping out dozens of
Cadbury Eggs everywhere I look.

They are at the checkout lanes,
the gas station counter,
the bank lobby
and the dollar store.

But let me warn you now.
They are not innocent little eggs.
They are bombs.
Filled with explosive calories
that will blow up your diet.

You are much better off
eating the ears off hollow rabbits.
Even if they taste like wax
or brown plastic.
Cheap chocolate is better
than no chocolate,
I always say.

I woke up today feeling very strong.
Ready to do what needed to be done
to fit in those old jeans.

Then I find out that tomorrow
is Chocolate Covered Raisin Day.

At least I'm getting fair warning.
At least I can hide somewhere safe
until those Raisinette rebels
march past my house
on their way to the movie theater.

I mean, let's face it-
if they weren't covered in chocolate
they would just be dried,wrinkly fruit
that I would never take a second look at.

they really got it going on
with that delectable coat
of sweet confection.)

And they know it.

Blasted raisins!

The year starts out with
a ton of alcohol,
moves to a football field of nachos,
then fills its giant heart with bonbons,
grabs you with it's jelly beans jaws
and chocolate coated everything.

Then about May,
the year starts offering
potato salad and shortcake
and ice cream and barbecue.
Sweet corn
and apple pie
and bratwurst
and cold beer.

Then around November.
it switches back to sweets
like cookies and pumpkin bread
and chocolate covered cherries
and fruit cake.

It is truly a war.

Have you seen my white flag anywhere?