Friday, March 19, 2010

I Am Woman- Hear Me Roar

Recently, I had to send off for
a certified copy of my birth certificate
because of an upcoming trip.

It came in yesterday's mail
and I quickly opened it
to assure it was all in order.

My sister Tina was visiting
and I told her
that I finally got my certificate!
I scanned it over with a quick mumble.
All on fancy blue stationary-
Mom's name,
Dad's name,
Date of birth,
My name,
and my sex.

The certificate stated: MALE.

Tina laughed.
I did a quick check down the front
of my sweater
and then proceeded to get mad.

Was this someone's idea
of a joke?
Was there some family secrets
that no one spoke of?
Were those tiny black hairs
appearing on my chin lately
just a precursor to the hidden truth?

I immediately made a phone call
to straighten out this crazy gender bender.

"Well, " they said, "if it is our mistake
we will correct it.
If it's wrong on the original document,
it will require a process-
which usually takes about eight weeks-
in order to make the necessary corrections.
Plus- you will have to prove you're a woman."

At that point,
I didn't know whether to
laugh or cry.

They said they could let me know
the results of the original records
in thirty minutes or so.

I waited.
And waited.

My trip was already paid for ,
(scheduled sooner than eight weeks)-
and they certainly weren't
gonna let me get on that plane
well...let's be frank here-
Unless I taped my titties
and grew some balls.

I called my husband on his lunch hour.
"Honey", I said in my deepest voice,
"Did you know you are married to a man?"
Then, with total confusion in his voice,"What?"

I explained the situation-
and as always, he was cool headed
and told me they would probably get it
all straightened out.

If not, he sure would have
some major explaining to do
to all those macho guys at work.

Finally, the phone rang
and the nice lady told me
that it was their mistake.
The original said FEMALE.
And she put a revised copy
in the mail to me.

Just a little scare.
But enough to get me riled.

The best part of the whole
crazy situation
is that my husband came home
with a big smile on his face.

"I'm a woman!" I laughed,
telling him that they fixed the mistake.

"Prove it," he said.

And I did.