Do you ever have those nights
when you just can't sleep?
That no matter what you do,
you can't rest,
close your eyes,
or seem to get comfortable?
That is the time
I try to take my mind off
stressful things
and do some creative thinking.
I was lying in bed last night
wondering what I would do
if I won the lottery.
I know, fat chance.
But at least if it happened
I wouldn't be sitting around
pondering the options
and wasting valuable time
as a rich woman.
So, I got to thinking that what
this country needs desperately is...
pajamas.
No-I haven't been drinking!
Hear me out, please.
Today's basic options in the pajama department:
1. Funky flannel with teddy bears, crescent moons,
cartoon characters and bleeding skulls.
2. Thin, lacy, barely-there silk and satin 2-piece
Fredrick's of Hollywood, made for skinny people stuff
3. Striped, elastic waisted, too-short pants
with a spaghetti strap tank top that covers nothing
4. Thick, velour sweats with uncomfortable attached hoods,
pockets and zippers
I sadly have resorted to my husbands soft tee shirts,
workout pants and giant Big Foot slippers.
I usually top it off with a sweater on these cold mornings.
Give me a shopping cart
and I'd be in business.
I call my current pajamas
the Bag Lady look.
But that's not the look
I'm hoping to convey...
I want super soft, loose fitting
pajama bottoms that at least hit my ankle-
won't shrink, ball up, pill
or twist.
I want a pattern of soothing colors
and mature prints.
(NO Winnie the Poohs,
Kitty Cats drinking coffee,
or smiling polar bears snow skiing.)
Please.
I want a top with sleeves-
(short or long depending on the season)-
One that supports,
completely covers-
but also compliments the bosom.
I want slippers as comfortable
as flip flops,
but as warm as fuzzy socks.
I want to look like
I am ready to slip into
a beautiful dream world
of total comfort and relaxation.
(And I know what
some of you are you are thinking...
If you are going for the sexy look,
buy red or black,
nix the bottoms for five minutes-
and get over it!)
At the present time,
I look like I should be
crawling into a cardboard box
with my paper sack bottle
and a mangy dog.
So, folks...
here's the business plan:
All the above improvements
and designs-
all presented in a scented slip knot bag
(for easy storage and night time freshness)
and called
The Bedtime Bag.
Whenever I would come up with
a new design,
I would have a giant pajama party
and invite women of every single size
so that other ladies can get an idea
of what they might look like
in my creations.
We would have strawberries
and popcorn and beer and wine
and all the ladies would
look stunning
and be laughing
and dancing and singing...
...until some party crashers
broke in wearing Eeyore and
ACDC and Twilight pajamas
with trashy tank tops
and thong- y bottoms
and crunchy lace
that tears holes in their necks
whenever they roll over at night...
and we'd fill our Bedtime Bags
with walnuts or wine bottles
to drive them away...
or have a giant pillow fight
and force those traitors out....
Oh... I finally fell asleep didn't I?
Sorry.
