Tuesday, February 23, 2010

When You O.D on F.B

Up until a few weeks ago,
my life was going great.
I was content to stay home all day
and write, clean house,
watch TV and pursue some hobbies.
I felt self-confident, energetic
and hopeful of the future.

But then, things changed.
I suddenly sped headfirst into
a downward spiral.

And it all started
when I joined Facebook....

It was all so innocent...so exciting.
An online adventure of friends
and family and sharing.
What could go wrong?

First of all,
do you realize how stressful it is
waiting for friends to accept you?
I was logging in a hundred times a day
checking to see if I had any friends at all.

And then, when I had enough friends
to assure myself I wasn't a total outcast,
then I had to start weeding out
the weirdos who friend-requested me.

Oh- it's so much easier in the grocery store!
If you don't want to friend somebody-
you just hide in the feminine hygiene aisle
or scurry into the ladies room till they pass!

I was sweating bullets,
drawing straws,
making pros and cons lists,
doing criminal background checks,
-even resorting to eenie, meenie,
mynie and mo!

Then to make matters worse,
my crops started dying,
my pets all starved,
my diner went belly-up
and the mafia was after me.

My high school friends
were all smarter, richer
and younger than me.

My family was having fun
without me.

And my own kids de-friended me
after the first week.

I became a fan of
obscure people,
and unknown places...
and postings of tasteless pictures
and photographs
and tacky quotations.

I was left clueless
and concerned
and incoherent.

I rescued lost kittens,
raised barns,
accepted gifts of
and gasoline
and I was Bejeweled
and bewildered.

I was lost in YouTube videos,
inside jokes,
snoopy surveys-
and more baby pictures
than a planet of OctoMoms.

I spent hours on the computer
answering questions
and commenting
and downloading
and becoming
a giant Facebook monster!!!

I lost sleep,
old friends,
learned to play the keyboard
with my nose,
mix a drink with my eyes closed
and practiced how to cook with wine.

I learned who's happy,
who's not,
who's home-who's away,
who's fit- who's fat,
who's funny- who's stuffy,
who's boring- who's interesting,
who's liberal-who's conservative...

who liked- who unliked-
who's who
and what's what-
and more than I will ever
need to know in ten lifetimes!

I became neurotic,
and caffeine logged.
I became heart-broken,
and elated.

I became a ball of frenzy.
A genuine Facebook fanatic.
A needy, groping individual
who yearned for reassurance
and positive comments.

It's sad.
I'm addicted now
and no one can help me.
Intervention is unrealistic
and committing myself
would only be a temporary fix.

I just sit back sometimes
and close my eyes
and remember how my life used to be.

and empty.

Ahhhh...those were the days, my friend.