It's that time of year again
to start picking out costumes
for trick-or-treating
or your neighbors
Halloween bash.
The choices can be overwhelming,
to say the least.
But, kids costumes
are basically ready-made
and easily chosen.
I bet this year there will be
a lot of New Moon vampires,
Transformers and Harry Potters.
But I'm here today to
help guide grown adults
through this exciting-
yet stressful-
October event.
For you men out there,
a Zombie is usually
the number one choice.
Easy stuff.
Just throw a little bbq sause
on your shirt,
stagger a little,
stare into the TV
and slobber over chicken wings.
You know-
like real life.
No effort or change involved!
The top costume choice
for women is a Queen.
'Cuz, believe me, girls-
it's the only chance
you're gonna have to be one!
Milk it for all it's worth.
Halloween night ends way too soon.
I suppose the whole idea
of a costume is to be someone
or something that you're not.
That's why most guys
choose to be something like
a football player,
(-especially since the only thing
they've ever tackled is
a sub sandwich)-
A Gladiator,
(when the only thing they've ever
battled is a hangover)-
or a Muscle Man-
(Because the last time they did a sit-up
was when the TV remote was
at their feet).
Same goes for the gals.
A lot of you want to be
vampires
because you can stay out
all night long-
sleep during the day-
and stay young forever.
Not gonna happen.
You are aging as you read this.
Another popular choice
for women is a sexy cop.
And, from what I've observed-
if you are neither sexy or a cop-
forget this one.
There is no way on earth
you could ever chase down that thief
in your stilettos,
your skirt up your crack,
and your boobs hanging out!
Same goes for the sexy gangster,
the sexy Dorothy, the sexy pirate,
the sexy soccer player, the sexy witch,
and all things short, tight and sexy.
If you are naturally sexy and beautiful,
why not change it up for Halloween?
Do all us other women a favor.
Come to my party
as a bearded fat lady,
a Christmas tree
or a pig.
Please.
