Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Several letters of historic importance
were recently unearthed and only
now made public.
This is the first time they have been
in print and I offer them
exclusively in my blog today.
This is a farewell letter written by
a mummy to her boyfriend.
My bones ache as I write this letter and I am stiff from sitting up all night waiting for you to resurrect from Club Pyramid. Why do you feel as though you must always be on exhibit?
You are so wrapped up in yourself that you seem to have forgotten all the centuries we spent together. And lately you've been wound up so tight that I barely know you anymore. In reality, you are just a dried up old man who has no heart.
It is sad to see our love decay, but I'm afraid it's time to split the sheets.
Don't visit my tomb or text me any chants.
I'm burying myself in my esophagus and may not emerge for decades.
Go home to your mummy. What we had is dead.
This letter was written by Mrs. Jekyll
to her husband:
I grow more fearful each evening as you retire to your office and only emerge once the sun is rising the next morn. It pains me to say that lately you seem as though you are two men- a split personality that I cannot seem to acquaint myself with or totally devote myself to. You've become a drinking man. I see all the potions you consume and we know how that can turn one into a monstrous soul.
I have declined to suggest that there may be another woman, but more and more it seems that is perhaps the sad truth. You come to the breakfast table worn and tattered with nary a kiss to my cheek or an exchange of pleasantries. You sleep all day and seem pale and withdrawn.
I feel that it is necessary that I return to my homeland until such a time that you find yourself and become one with the world. Please take care and post me often.
Your Loving Wife
The following letter was written
to the Werewolf from his eHarmony date:
Since I can't seem to get past your incessant howling, I figured I would write a letter explaining why I can't see you again.
First off, how we were ever matched up is a mystery to me. I prefer clean cut men who enjoy strolling in the moonlight and who love tropical weather.
Your nails need groomed and you left lint all over my white sofa.
And, another thing- I am a vegetarian and could not stand to see you put that poor sheep down in one fell swoop.
Please don't come near me again or I will resort to buying silver bullets. Go back to London where you belong.
To the Invisible Man
from his personal trainer:
Dear Invi, This is to inform you that I will no longer be responsible for your physical health and your training workouts. I cannot possibly do my job when you are never present- or so it seems. I think it was rude of you to stand on the scale when my other clients were weighing in yesterday. I have lost most of them due to the fact that they all gained 195 pounds overnight! I also wasn't aware how much weight you had gained. Just because you're invisible doesn't mean you can stop taking care of yourself. Your heavy breathing gave you away when you were standing on the treadmill with my best customer. Plus, the cake crumbs easily led me to your house, where I am leaving this letter for you. You are heartless, shallow and undependable. I should have seen through you the first time we met.