Monday, March 2, 2009

Horrid Hangers and Dead Duracells

I used to have a problem
with coat hangers.

Every time I opened the closet,
those wiry little fellas
would all clang a little tune
and fly to the floor
like metal butterflies.

They multiplied
and took over the closet.

But usually not the good ones-
No, not the hangers with
the nice cushioned arms
or the heavy duty plastic ones
or the nice wooden crease-free
slack hangers.

It always seemed I had an
abundance of half-rusted,
mangled, paint chipped
coat hangers that flipped my
heavy coats and abused my
favorite tees.

Now- all of a sudden
hangers have become extinct
in my house.
I have to go searching in other closets
to hang up my jacket,
check the car trunk for a stray one
or clean the garage in hopes of salvaging
a misplaced wire wonder.

I suppose I over-killed.
Sent too many to the goodwill,
the dumpster,
and the local laundromat.

Now I wish I had been more caring,
a bit more understanding,
a lot more sympathetic
to my hangers loose lifestyle.

But that sad story is over.

Suddenly I seem bombarded
with batteries.
Double A and Triple A
seems to roll around in every
drawer, basket, cabinet
and box that I have.
From Duracell
to Ray-O-Vac to those
little green and white Japanese deals,
batteries seem to have taken over
where the hangers left off.

Why doesn't someone
invent a see-through battery?
One like a clear ink pen
where you can tell how
much longer it's going to last.
Or a battery that turns red when it's dead.

(I mean, that would be a fantastic logo.
Red Means Dead.
Are you listening Mr. Battery Bunny?)

I've tried keeping those little
paper tabs that come with the batteries
that check for juice,
but I always throw them away by accident
or just get tired of going through the
check-battery motions.

I have no idea if these batteries
will work in an emergency
or if they are just taking up space.

At least I can use an old coat hanger
to unclog the toilet.
But a dead battery is absolutely useless.

And I'm afraid if I get rid of the bad ones,
the good ones will disappear, too.

What's a woman to do?

Well, do like I do.

Just don't let it bother you.
Just shut the damn closet
and close the freakin' drawers
and take a nice long coffee break.

Or maybe a nice long nap.