I wish I was a hat person.
Some people can pull off sporting a ball cap,
a sophisticated little beret,
or even a big, bouncing bonnet.
I envy the woman who can flip on a huge,
furry lumberjack cap and look simply luscious.
Or pop on a straw hat and seem as fresh and beautiful
as an FDS ad.
Not only was my head not made for hats,
it seems sometimes that it was not made
for hair, either!
Every morning I wake up to the Screaming Banshee look.
Wild spikes and crazy curls and frenzied flips
poke from my scalp like untamed SciFi creatures.
I look in the mirror and see
Chewbacca on steroids!
Pasting it down with sprays or gel is a waste of time.
Brushing and combing does no good.
Wetting and scrunching leaves it worse.
To give it a thorough shampoo again is the only remedy.
Needless to say, I have the cleanest hair in the world!
To have the option of pulling on a cute hat
that would not only disguise my hair monstrosity-
but also enhance my looks-
would be a double blessing.
That final, little accessory could be life changing!
So, I decided would give wearing hats another try.
I mean, I've seen middle aged women looking quite sharp
in those little furry dealy-bobs or the spiffy gaucho hats.
Some women even look fantastic in scarfs.
I went to a store that had a good variety of hats
and began trying every one of them on.
I tried to hide, but the mirror was positioned so that every
other department in the entire mall
could see me and my hats.
I tried on the dress hats, the walking hats,
the beanies and the skullcaps.
I modeled the fez hats, visors, Panama hats
and Newsboy caps.
I posed in straw, wool, fur, and felt.
There was something "so not right"
with all of them.
I looked out of place, uncomfortable, manly,
in pain, twisted, or puffy.
Some made me look old, pale, fat, or just plain ugly.
After an hour of struggling with every hellish hat
in the entire place,
I glanced one last time into the mirror...
I suddenly realized it wasn't the hats
that looked bad after all.
And it wasn't even my hair causing the problem!
It was my face.
