Thursday, August 7, 2008
When it comes to food, I would have to say that my favorite of all time is pizza.
I was probably nine or ten the first time I had it - and from there it existed in my life forever more.
I remember looking in the freezer and asking Mom what pizza pie was.
It looked horrible and I ALMOST refused to taste it.
See, that word “ALMOST” really got me in trouble.
If I hadn't tried pizza back in my childhood, chances are I wouldn't like it today.
I could be going through my life right at this very moment in skinny jeans and a skimpy camisole -easily strutting a tiny “six pack” that glistens with a summer tan.
But because “ALMOST” turned into “Go for it!”, I must sadly live out my days in sweat pants, sloppy shirts and begrudgingly lug around full size,lily-white “keg” of a belly.
Over the years, I've grown tired of other fast food.
Hamburgers are dry, chicken is unappealing,
tacos give me heartburn
and Chinese gives me the creeps.
But, a pizza well made is a delight to the senses.
I never seem to tire of the vast array of toppings and crusts and styles.
Pizza is never boring, delicious even when cold, and can be eaten 24/7.
Due to a slight inflation of my physical proportions, I opted to try variations of pizza made for those on a diet.
How in the world do you “diet-up” a pizza?
Leave out the crunchy, greasy crust? No.
Forsake the pepperoni, Italian sausage, and hamburger? No.
Nix the thick, melted cheese and Parmesan? No, no, no!
A diet pizza tastes like a slice of cardboard smothered in ketchup topped with something resembling cheese dust.
It's not even “ALMOST” good.
If you enjoy pizza as well as I do, the most crucial item you must own is a good pizza cutter.
Now, I don't know about you, but I think that the only thing that will slice into a deep crust supreme pizza is a nice sharp pizza cutter.
Nothing else works.
Forget those butcher knives and miracle blades.
A good pizza cutter can rip through those layers of cheese faster than you can salivate over the pepperoni.
I suppose that is why I throw my pizza cutter away every time I start a new diet.
Yes- I throw it away!
I don't simply hide it away in the back of the utensil drawer or stuff it in a box to be stored in the basement.
To hide the pizza cutter is like trying to hide a candy bar!
You will always know where it's at.
It will haunt you.
Then sooner or later you're going to weaken and give in.
You're going to empty that utensil drawer on the bed and cut every finger on your hands trying to retrieve the pizza cutter.
You're going to rush to the basement two stairs at a time and dig beneath twenty years of accumulated mess to hold that pizza cutter once again.
Believe me, I have done it!
You must always, always, throw the darn thing away!
When you throw away your pizza cutter,it would also be a good time to go through that utensil drawer or junk box to inventory other items that might hamper your ability to lose the first eighth of a pound you have been shooting for a month ago.
Personally, in an attempt to jump start my diet, I have rid myself of pastry knives, ice cream scoops, spring-form cheesecake pans and cookie cutters.
No skinny woman on the face of the Earth owns those things!
Skinny woman own melon ballers, tea strainers, chop sticks and lettuce bags.
But, it never fails.
Right after I've sent the pizza cutter to the big dumpster in the sky, my diet comes to a streaking halt.
“Pizza anyone?” the family will say.
“No, you Sillies,” I laugh nervously, “I don't even have a pizza cutter.
How about a nice Cobb salad and a glass of tomato juice?”
“Well, Mom, ” they say dryly, “we are going for TAKE OUT.
The pizza is already cut for you, remember?”
Then, of course, I have no other valid excuse.
Only a hard, callous woman would deny her children the bonding experience that comes with eating pizza at the kitchen table - the family laughing and talking and stuffing themselves till their waist bands snap.
The saddest thing is, I "ALMOST" said no!
“Make mine with extra cheese,” I whispered to my son as he stepped out the back door.
“And pick up a new pizza cutter, will ya'?”