Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Beauty and My Beast

When you get to be my age, you start to look around for cheap methods of preservation.

When crow's feet become Ostrich tracks and laugh lines become guffaw groves,
you can pretty much bet you're screwed.
Old age has arrived and, baby, there is no going back!

But, even us aging women grasp at straws-
make at least one desperate effort to reverse our demise.
We fiercely seek out to explore our options because we believe
with all our artery-clogged hearts
that there is such a thing as miracles.

Yet, I have found out from my extensive research that beauty is not cheap.

There is a high price to pay to be micro-abrasioned, laser-peeled, lipo-sucked, and detoxed.
Gone are the days of cold cream and Camay,
of satin pillow cases for your complexion and support hose for your spider veins.
Enter the new age of beauty gadgets that not only make wrinkles disappear,
but also your savings account.

Take for example, Safetox.
It's a blue plastic headband that straps to your forehead with a cyclops looking eye patch in the center.
The company says that it uses electronic impulses to relax the muscles and reduce wrinkles.
It claims to be a safe and painless alternative to Botox.
At a price of $488, I think I'll just stick my finger in the light socket and see what those electrical impulses can do for me.

If you prefer a simpler method, try using Clarins Ep3,
a light mist that you spray on your problem areas
to protect your skin from the effects of air pollution and
artificial electromagnetic waves.
It claims to use a magnetic defense complex to make your skin smoother and healthier.
Who knew it could be so scientifically, complicatedly simple?
One bottle= $40.

Got cellulite?
Get the Wellbox.
It claims to be a "lipomassage" and "liftmassage" machine that reduces cellulite by optimizing connective tissue and increasing microcirculation.
In other words, its a glorified massager.
Got $1,595?
Me neither.

The most interesting new beauty regimen I have discovered is fish pedicures.
You stick your bare feet into warm water where the fish start nibbling.
The fish, called gara ruffa, eat away the dead skin and rough areas so that your feet emerge smoother and more refreshed.
At a cost of $35 for ten minutes, it sounded pretty fishy to me.

So, I got to thinking- why not any kind of fish?
Why not save a few bucks and just go dangle my feet in the pond?
Surely catfish, bass, and bluegill would enjoy a few good callouses, corns and plantars warts.

I propped my lawn chair near the edge of the water, rolled up my jeans and began
waiting for the fish to start sucking my toes.
While I was in my yoga-like state of concentration and prayer, here comes my husband behind me.

"Whatcha doin'?" he inquired, looking at me as though I had gone bananas at last.

"Well, for your information, I am saving you money," I answered proudly.
"I found out the fish will come up and eat all my old dead skin and leave everything smooth and beautiful."

He said it was a silly thing for me to try, and I suppose he was right. The fish didn't even pay attention to my feet.

But, that's not the end of my fish tale...

The other day, my husband backs the truck up to the pond bank and begins emptying out barrels of fish.

"What's up?" I ask, seeing he is very serious about this project.

"I want to help you with this beauty thing," he says looking deep into my eyes and squeezing my shoulders.
"I figured we just need some bigger guns, so to speak. That way, your feet and hands can be youthfully renewed."

"Fantastic!" I cried in delight. "What kind of fish are those? Are they gara ruffas?"

He answered me with no fear in his voice at all.
Nothing you'd expect from a man that
was crossing the line and treading dangerous territory.

"Piranha," he said calmly,
"And hey, while you're at it,
why don't you try sticking your face in there, too."