Friday, August 22, 2008

You Are Now Entering The Nameless Zone

"There is a fifth dimension beyond
that which is known to man.
It is a dimension as vast as space
and as timeless as infinity.
It is the middle ground between
light and shadow, between
young and old,and it lies
between the pit of woman's fears,
and the summit of her knowledge.
This is the dimension of
fashion and folly.
It is an area which we call...

I am still re-cooperating this morning from yesterday's shopping trip.
I feel as though I drank a whole pitcher of margaritas,
got run over by a bus
and was beaten with a stick.
It's a good thing that I don't shop very often.
I'd be a dead woman!

My little expedition just proved to me what I already knew-
Fashion is the most unorganized, illogical, unnerving experience
that a woman can summit to.
And, yet, we depend on it, rely on it, and even plan
our celebrations and events around it.

We are prisoners to every Gucci, Vuitton, and Hilfiger that struts the planet-
We are guinea pigs for Hollywood, New York and Paris-
We are puppets on stage parading a wardrobe of goofy, unpractical styles.

I suppose I am in that Nameless Zone-
somewhere between Twenty Something
and Miss Daisy.
There is not a single designer who targets
the Nameless Zone.
Even WalMart refuses to admit that we exist.
They continue pushing micro tees,
short-shorts and up-your-butt-crack thongs
stretch pants, embroidered vests
and old lady underwear that pulls up to underneath
your arm pits!

Have mercy on us, please!
We are the unfortunate souls that have reached middle age.
We don't want to dress like teens,
but we refuse to dress like senior citizens.
And just because we are aging
doesn't mean we love ugly!

Fashion Fact #1:
If the zipper on the bluejeans is only 1.2 inches long- don't bother.
Unless that is - you want major butt crack and bikini line to show.

Fashion Fact #2:
If the tag says One Size Fits All-
It's a damn lie.

Fashion Fact #3:
If there is a huge too-good-to-believe sale advertised-
when you arrive at the store there will be
all size extra small,
all items will be stone-washed,
or they will have shoulder pads.

Fashion Fact #4:
A "little black dress" in a JUMBO size
is not a little black dress.

Fashion Fact #5,6,&7
Pantie hose , slouch socks,
and sequined purses are OUT.
Wearing them only proves you shop at Goodwill.

I am still miserable from yesterday.
I was lost in this impossible style-world somewhere between
Jakie O and Paris Hilton.

I fall someplace between Rosanne Barr
and Anna Nicole.
(And that's before Slim Fast, Baby!)

I am stuck somewhere
in the Nameless Zone...

Mission Update:
Self Destruction.