It was a week before Christmas
And all through our place
Were cheesecakes and cookies
All up in our face.
The pie was all creamy-
all covered with whip
And I knew in a a moment
I'd go to my hip.
Me in my jog pants-
all elastic and soft-
Had just settled down
For a meal at the trough.
When right on the TV
In front of my eyes
Pranced Victoria's Secrets,
-so tiny in size!
To control the remote
I ran like a lug-
But too late- he had already
drooled on the rug.
The woman inside me
knew things had to change
AFTER I finished
the treats on the range.
I was hoping
before my eyes, there'd appear
A miracle diet
of pizza and beer.
"Oh Weight Watchers, Ali,
and Biggest Loser, too-
Atkins, South Beach-
Which one should I do?
As fat women before
a new diet know-
The whole world is watching
your weight losing show.
And even a morsel of fat
that is chewed-
will cause them to point
their fingers at you.
I dressed in my jeans
For a party that night
And screamed to the mirror
"They're way too damn tight!"
My waist had expanded-
My hips were too wide
I looked as though I were hiding
a python inside.
My eyes, how they dulled-
My cheeks how they glowed-
My, oh my, how every one
Of my many chins showed!
A stub of a cookie
I held tight in my hand-
But knew at that moment
I must have a plan.
With my chipmunk face
and my big old belly-
That shook when I cried
like a bowl full of jelly.
I will speak not a word
But go straight to the trash
And fill it all up
with goodies I've stashed.
And relying on lettuce
and rice cakes again-
I know in my heart
I can become thin!
I will enjoy all my calories
For the new year has come
And my plan to transform
Starts with Day One.
So I'm hoping next Christmas-
A thin me can shout-
"Eat your heart out Victoria-
Your secret is out!"
