Friday, December 12, 2008

As Seen On TV

If anyone would happen to ask-
(which they haven't yet)-
my Christmas list consists of
some of the easiest gifts to buy.
Everything I hope for-
everything I need-
is from a very special group
of products called,
"As Seen On TV."

Who doesn't stop what they're doing
when Billy Mays draws us into
the television screen with his promises
of ease, safety, economy, and magic?
For those of you who haven't
tuned in lately,
this man has come a long way
since Orange Clean.

He now offers the innovative
Big City Slider Station
which Mr. Mays claims is the
new mini burger sensation
that is sweeping the nation!
Who wouldn't want to own
a piece of that?
A virtual White Castle right in
my very own kitchen!
I could produce dozens and dozens
of grease-logged calorie-laden
sliders to add to my
healthy lifestyle.

I can also see my entire life
changed for the better
with the fantastic Wireless Light Switch.
I could finally see what's under my kitchen sink-
(I misplaced an entire box of
SOS Soap Pads back in '91).
and the corners of my closets-
(my frosted jean jacket went missing sometime
between President Ford and Clinton).

The Steam Buddy would save hours of ironing!
Especially since I don't ever iron-
I can still see this having
a prominent place in my broom closet.
Just in case of a huge wrinkle emergency.

I get so excited watching Billy
advertise his Mighty Putty!
He reattaches handles and hooks-
repairs pipes and purses
and even concrete!

What a great guy!
He even offers a money back guarantee.
If your Mighty Putty fails to
keep the mended hot water pipe
from bursting while you are on a two week
vacation and your house floods,
then he will refund the full $19.95-
Plus shipping costs!
Can't beat that offer!

Then there's the Awesome Auger,
the Samurai Shark,
Zorbeez, and the Hercules Hooks.

I would be elated to find any of those
treats in my stocking!

What about the Forearm Forklift,
the PediPaws, the PedEgg
and the Roll Out Piano!

Gift ideas abound!

There's the Buxton Leather Bag
Over the Shoulder.
Bigger than a suitcase
and deeper than a well,
but, hey-
it's Buxton!

From miracle choppers to
greenhouse growers
to poop scoopers for cats,
As Seen On TV products are there
to provide us all with
an easier and more exciting alternative
to regular boring department store gadgets.

Yes, Virginia,
there is a Santa Claus
and his name is Billy Mays...