Even though we still have several weeks left of 2008,
I am already trying to decide on resolutions for the New Year.
Contrary to popular practice, this important list
should not be taken lightly
or disregarded after a short and pitiful attempt.
Resolutions should be a declaration to ourselves
that we will aspire to meet challenges and
be dauntless for twelve months-
no matter what obstacles confront us-
in order to achieve those goals.
In the past, I have had a fairly generic list
1. Lose weight
2. Save money
4. Be a better person
5. Get organized
You know the drill...
But, I have been haunted by the fact
that I must really set some significant
goals for 2009.
My list cannot just be "a list".
It should not be a photocopy
of everyone else's aspirations.
It should be the first baby steps
to My Life Quest.
And it most certainly shouldn't be
decided upon on New Years Eve
after a booze
and a snooze
and scribbled on a paper napkin.
We should take to heart
what we know will make us better people
and, in effect, make the world a better place.
That's why this year I'm getting serious.
I am writing my list on
watermarked, 24 lb writing paper.
I have chosen a white, unblemished,
perfectly formed sheet.
The silk finish is luxurious to the touch,
I will be using a Sheaffer Agio
gold plated fountain pen.
The elegant, eye-catching design is brushed gold
with 23K gold electroplate accents.
It even has a comfortable, contoured grip
for smooth writing control.
For a combination of lighting and mood,
I have purchased a Rigaud candle,
created in France by Madame Rigaud.
The Cypres Green is a natural, refreshing fragrance
reminiscent of cypress forests,
with woody accents.
I will be seated in a rare leather chair
at an exotic wooden desk
with a view of snow covered fields
and gentle winter landscapes.
It will all be so perfect.
(Later that evening.....)
I have gone through a ream of that
crappy expensive paper already!
Most of it is wadded into the waste basket
because that damn pen kept leaking ink
every time I wrote resolution number one:
"Save the World".
Plus, the smell of that putrid candle
is a cross between a moldy Christmas tree
and the bathroom at the Quickie Mart .
My leather chair made strange noises when I moved
and the kids kept accusing me of passing gas
and just when I got to number two on my list-
"Find an Unknown Dinosaur Species"-
I would have to yell at them to all shut up
so I could concentrate.
And it didn't help that my desk was
so short that I kept banging my knee caps
and , believe me, it hurt like the dickens.
In addition, the snow covered fields
are all muddy brown because of the
torrential winter rain
and all I can see from my window is some stupid dog
taking a crap on my wooden Santa.
So, in short,
I have decided that in order to produce
a genuine and sincere list of resolutions-
and to begin My Life Quest 2009-
I will need a snooze.
And lots of booze.
(Lots and lots and lots....)
And a party napkin... a crayon...
some personal space...
And I will need a heaven-sent epiphany...
and a freakin' map to find
My Life Quest!