Thursday, November 13, 2008

Let's Talk Turkey

The holidays are coming up on us quicker than we realize.

Sometimes it's hard for me to even look at the calendar
because I just don't want to know how long I've got before
my debit card is swiped so much that it catches fire.

Thanksgiving is practically at our doorstep,
but the great thing about that day is
it's so easy to please people.

No standing in line, returns or exchanges,
no long lists of things they prefer, and
no credit card debt.

Just throw them a turkey leg,
serve them a mound of buttery potatoes,
stuff them full of pumpkin pie-
and they instantly love you!

All you are really out is a ginormous grocery bill
and three days worth of dirty dishes.

I've cooked a lot of Thanksgiving dinners.
And, sure- I've made my share of mistakes.
But that's how we learn and grow.
So, my friends, I am here today to help.
You can learn from my experience.

Below are some frequently asked questions
that I have answered to the best of my ability.
Hopefully it will make hosting Thanksgiving
at your house a positive event.

Q. What kind of turkey should I buy?

A. Good question.
They say that age, not gender, is the
determining factor for a tender, delicious turkey.
Personally, once they are frozen and bald, it's
difficult to guess their birth date.
They all look alike to me.
My suggestion is get what's on sale.

Q. How large a turkey should I get?

A. The standard ratio is 1 pound of meat per person.
But, if you are all planning to diet after the holidays,
it's best to go for about 5 pounds per person
and store the leftovers.
That way- come January- you can enjoy some really
nasty freezer burnt poultry with your Diet Coke.

Q. When should I begin thawing my turkey?

A. The experts say 3-4 days in the refrigerator,
but what do they know?
They probably have never had a guest chomp
down on a frozen wishbone before.
If your turkey is any larger than five pounds,
I'd say start thawing it out about Labor Day.

Q. What kind of stuffing do you suggest?

A. Personal preference mandates the type of stuffing
you serve. Many families have traditions of oyster or
cornbread stuffing- some enjoy the extra sage or even
the addition of apples or pecans.
My no-fail recipe is that I buy four or five boxes
of Stove Top and hide it away.
Then, about four o'clock in the morning on Thanksgiving Day,
I sneak to the kitchen, pour all the contents into
a large bowl, set out some celery and onion scraps
and an empty can of chicken broth.

Then I toss a little fake sweat on my brow.
They'll never guess it wasn't home made.

Q. Any suggestions for a good cranberry sauce or relish?

.Yeah. Ocean Spray and a can opener.

Q. What if I'm a vegetarian?

A. Then go to Denny's and eat with all the other sissy boys and girls.

Q. I am so stressed preparing the main meal. Is it okay to forgo dessert?

A. Are you on crack, or what?

Q. I can never get my family to help with after-dinner cleanup. They always retire to the family room and watch TV. What should I do?

A. Take the television remote outside
and run over it with the car a few times.
And then kick their ass.

Well, I sure hope my turkey tips helped.
Until next time-
Gobble! Gobble!