November 28, 8 AM
Dear Diary,
I have swept and cleaned all morning in great anticipation of our Christmas tree. Although I had to move a desk and the sofa, I feel as though our special tree deserves the best possible place in our holiday home.
Fresh trees are the only way to go- the smell of pine, the naturally twisted branches, the baby pine cones bursting forth. How beautiful and festive our house will be once we have selected the perfect tree and trimmed it with wondrous decor!
5 PM
Oh, we bought the most beautiful tree on the lot! Green and full and bushy, this pine tree was the envy of every everyone around. We didn't even mind paying the premium price for it.
We are stringing the lights and placing the ornaments on it as I write.
Our hearts are indeed joyous.
November 30, 9 PM
Dear Diary,
I love gazing at the tree during these quiet evenings at home. I let the lights sparkle and I put on a Christmas CD, and suddenly I am transported to a winter wonderland. If it were possible, I would keep this tree forever.
December 1, 7 AM
Dear Diary,
I have noticed the tree has shed a few needles, but with a quick scoop of a car vac , everything looks great again. One string of lights has apparently gone bad, so there are only blue twinkles at the bottom of the tree. However, that problem hardly distracts from the beauty.
10:30 PM
I have given the tree another quart of water because the dry needles have dropped all day long. There were so many that I had to retrieve the Shop Vac from the garage. And now that the fullness has somewhat deflated, I have noticed that a few of the branches are actually very bent and mutated.
Oh, dear, another set of lights just blew.
Hey- is that a possum?
December 5, noon
Dear Diary,
Last night all the cute little pine cones got warm and burst into bloom, leaving sap bubbles on my new carpet. Mixed with the fallen needles, the gluey globs are hell on the vacuum and even that fancy orange cleaner cannot budge the sticky tar beneath my fingernails.
I am sick and tired of bumping into the sofa every time I enter and exit the room. And the desk was moved in front of a closet we never used. Until now.
The garland seems to have lost it's sparkle and the dog has broken a dozen of the prettiest ornaments.
The star on the tip fell off and is wedged in the corner where no one can reach it without moving the tree.
Oh, well.
December 12, 6AM
Dear Diary,
Apparently there were some sort of egg sacs in the limbs of our tree that hatched overnight. We have been spraying these flying insects since 3 AM.
The dog bumped the tree, too, causing the water pan to spill, and soaked at least four or five presents and their contents.
I can't stand this monstrosity any longer! I am ready to shove this darn thing right out the door and into the fire! And to think we paid what we did for a lousy damn tree!
December 22, 5 AM
Dear Diary,
The tree flashes only red lights now and it looks like an all day emergency in here. All we need is a siren to set the mood.
The trunk has begun to lean at a 45 degree angle and even propping it up with encyclopedias doesn't seem to help.
I just sit here, gaze at this ugly tree- and sip margaritas to take away the pain.
And if I hear that Christmas CD play one more time, I will scream!
Especially the song about "Oh, Christmas Tree".
December 25, 5AM
Dear Diary,
Bah-Humbug.
December 26, 4 AM
Dear Diary,
The tree went out the door at 2AM and with it -all the needles and bulbs and icicles, too. I couldn't even get the blasted lights off. The strings were so tangled that I just clipped them with the wire cutters to get it over with.
And I was so happy to put that sucker out of it's misery! One match to one dry pine tip, and the tree was ablaze and a bed of coals in five seconds!
7 AM
I have picked out a lovely artificial tree this morning for next years holiday. It is slim, won't shed, is bug free, and guaranteed to stay pre-lit for five years.
You know, fake trees are the only way to go!
