Monday, September 8, 2008

I Sure Know How To Pick 'Em

I am sure I don't have to tell any of you what today is.
I bet you are already celebrating.

Today is Nose Hair Maintenance Day.

(Or so says the E-Greeting card people).

I've decided to pick a "Celebrate the Date"
every so often as a subject
for my blog.
It makes for a very informative
and up-to-date blogging experience.

Today is the day to get out those tweezers,
electric nostril drills,
and midget scissors.
Time to trim those unruly sprigs
of nasal nastiness
and crop them into cuteness.

I must admit I don't do much nose maintenance.

A quick check for a stray booger
or a routine blow after a hot shower
has been the extent of my upkeep in that particular area.
But I sure am glad that I've been
given the heads-up so that
I can focus on my nifty nozzle today.

Here- let me grab a mirror...

The problem is...
It's just that... the more... I look at it, ...the weirder it looks...

My proboscis isn't perfect- I've always known that.
It's a bit pointed and sharp
but at the same time...
a tad pudgy around the nose-hole area.
And there is some.... blotchy freckle action
going on between the eye region.

With so much attention being paid to my nose,
I now see that my eyebrows... are becoming bushy...

There are some mislaid gray sprouts...
amid my natural brows
that have no business whatsoever being there.

Moving along....
I see crow's feet, laugh lines,
age spots, white heads, oily skin... dry skin, a mini-zit,
a chin hair and.....
the fa-a-a-aaint beginning of a possible moustache.

Now that I am examining myself thoroughly,
I'm afraid my teeth are yellowing.
My hair is thinning- (and graying),
my jowls are pronounced,
my neck is crinkled,
my ear lobes are saggy,
my eye lids are droopy,
and my lips are in dire need of a plump-up.

And that my friends, is only
a check-up from the neck-up!
I simply don't have the stomach
to explore anything below the chin-line today.

Damn you, you E-Card people!

I was just learning to accept myself-
to enter my fifty-something years
with grace and decaying loveliness-
to walk tall and proud despite the flaws-
Despite the fact that the
Oil of Olay, Clairol,
and Botox-in-a-Bottle
isn't helping a freakin' bit!

My life is ruined!
Why, oh, why did I have to get nosy (no pun intended)
and dig up the fact
that it's Nose Hair Maintenance Day??!

Oh, well,
Hope your day
is better than mine!