I have never met a woman who didn't like chocolate.
And, as a matter of fact, I don't think I would ever want to meet one.
The kind of woman that doesn't like chocolate
probably doesn't like beautiful sunsets,
cute puppy dogs
and comfortable pajamas.
The woman who doesn't like chocolate is probably
uptight,
neurotic
and a little over the edge.
Plus, she would most likely be skinny,
have a flawless complexion,
and look down her nose
at those of us
that simply love chocolate.
It's no secret.
I love chocolate.
I could eat chocolate for every meal.
I even put chocolate on my chocolate!
When it comes to chocolate, I welcome all types.
From bars to bom bons
to Kisses and cakes.
Fountains and flakes
and sprinkles and spreads
and powders and pies
and wafers and wedges.
I love milk chocolate, semi-sweet, dark, white, and blended.
I love the cheap stuff and the expensive stuff.
I love solid, hollow and fun-filled.
I have never met a chocolate that I didn't like.
But before you judge me-
before you imagine me as a 500 pound
sumo wrestler
lounging in a pool of chocolate syrup,
let me make one thing clear.
I eat it for my health.
The benefits from consuming chocolate
are astounding.
Cocoa and dark chocolate benefit the circulatory system.
Other benefits include anticancer, cough preventive,
and anti-diarrhea effects.
Studies even show that certain types of chocolate
delay the decline of brain function as people age.
And, as we all know, chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
It stimulates the hypothalamus -
inducing pleasurable sensations.
(Well, it's really not been scientifically proven yet,
but what could it hurt?)
Of course I eat it for my health!
For example, just the other day
I was feeling very badly,
but I had to get out to run errands
and do my grocery shopping.
I was just dragging myself down the aisles,
leaning on the cart,
sludging along in a fog-
when all of a sudden
I bumped into the "sample lady".
There on her pristine little paper-doily covered cart
was an array of Halloween chocolates-
all as pretty as can be
with orange swirls and malted-milk-ball spiders and
nutty nougats of pure delight.
"Care to try the new Hershey's treats?" she asked politely.
"Are you retarded? I thought, "Of course I want to try the treats!"
As a matter of fact, I wanted ALL the treats-
not just the fragments the sample lady had
broken into pea-sized portions and placed into
mini-cupcake holders.
But I held back.
"Oh, I really shouldn't..." I said, grabbing the biggest chunk available.
I am here to tell you today that
no matter how much you tell yourself to "make it last"-
chocolate disappears mysteriously.
I wanted to savor that tiny sample...
to roll it on my tongue like fine wine...
to suck every single calorie out of its being...
to absorb its yummy goodness...
Oh! Er...I mean, I wanted to embrace its finer health benefits!
And what they say is true- I suddenly felt a little better.
But, at the same time, I also knew
that I could feel A LOT better.
So, I circled the produce department,
fluffed my hair and put on my sunglasses
and made another pass by Hershey Heaven-
this time snatching two extra truffles
while the sample lady was temporarily distracted.
The next round, I removed my jacket,
put on lipstick, and walked taller-
I even pushed an empty cart so she wouldn't
recognize me.
The forth time, I actually borrowed a hat
from the ladies department,
a shawl from the clearance rack,
and some woman's baby.
Then I pawed my way back to another happy chocolate fix.
You don't know how wonderful it feels
to know you are giving your body
the benefits it needs.
I just feel sorry for the women
who don't like chocolate.
Their skinny lives will be shorter
and less exciting than mine.
But, hey, it just means
more chocolate samples
for women like me!
