Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Fat Tuesday

I woke up this morning thinking about food.

Maybe it's because the Food Police are loose in my house.

All of a sudden my husband and daughter have decided
that it is finally time to crack the whip,
roll out the scales,
and torture their bodies- (and mine)- with deprivation.

I know, I know - I agree it has to be done.
But why now, of all times?
Why on earth, now?

Why now that candies and carmel-y things
and rich, moist pumpkin cakes are popping up on
every grocery store aisle.
magazine cover,
and television commercial?

Why now that the world is thick
with cheesy chili
and fat dumplings
and chunky stew?

Don't they understand
that turkey and stuffing and pecan pie
are only a few months away?
And beyond that-
Sugar-glazed ham and Christmas cookies
and fifty kinds of fudge?

And then there is New Years Eve,
teeming with high-calorie cocktails and champagne
and snack-y things like baby wieners
and rolls of salty salami and saltines.

Then comes Valentines Day
with chocolate hearts bursting at every turn
oozing with coconut and marshmallow and creamy centers.

Then after that...
Groundhog Day.
(How in the heck can you even think of dieting
when there's going to be
six more weeks of winter!)

Don't they see that society is on alert?
That we are bound to be ambushed at every turn?
That this old world doesn't want us
to succeed?
That Pizza Hut will surely come up with
some great new menu item
and offer it at fantastic savings-

or the price of tuna will go so high
that we can't afford to buy it for our "diet"?
That there will probably be a "mad chicken" epidemic,
that lettuce will be found carcinogenic
and they will stop the production of rice cakes?

It's not just us against temptation-
It's us against the world!

It's us against the Twiggy's and the Anna Rexic's
and bony models that strut their bulimic bodies
down the runway of our lives!
It's us against the size Zeros and One's
and long, giraffe-legged-bombshells
that portray the average woman!
We're fighting against sexy push-up,
thong-y underwear
and belly tops
and sleek, shape-sticking skinny jeans!
Of four inch spike heels
and cute ankle bracelets
and thin necks that don haircuts
for high cheek bones!

But, I guess I must prepare myself for a fight.

I must arm myself with a food diary,
a calculator,
a bag of carrot sticks
and a "before" picture.
I must hike up my jogging pants,
suck in my belly roll,
and twist my "Just My Size" underpants
into combat position.

You know...
I still think we ought to wait until after
Groundhog Day....
And even then, there's Easter to follow-
with Cadbury Eggs and chocolate bunnies-
and then July 4th with
potato salads and casseroles
and big, fat brats on the grill....

Oh, woe is me!
It's me against the world!!

On guard!