Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Waiting Room (W)

Due to the fact that I will be away from my computer the entire day, I am posting what my blogalicious red headed friend, Dee, calls a Cheater post. I promise fresh material for X, Y, & Z !!

Whoever coined the term "waiting room"
was a virtual genius.
No other name or title could be more fitting
or more accurate.

It is simply that.
A room where you wait.

And wait. And wait....

I usually measure my waiting room experiences
by the number of magazines I can finish reading
while there.

An acceptable wait is a cute
decorating magazine or a
thin entertainment publication.
Two National Geographic's or
a complete Reader's Digest
always gets me worrisome.
And never, ever, under any circumstances
is it acceptable to wait through an entire reading
of the AMA Journal.

I have waited so long in doctor's offices
that even the free pamphlets they provide
start to look interesting.

I've actually caught myself reading about
the side effects of allergy medication,
the working of the lungs,
and the psychological impact on children
who don't eat breakfast.

These brochures are solely put out for reading (
and waiting) purposes only.
They are not meant to be removed
from the waiting room.

I mean, do you really want to be seen
carrying off a booklet entitled, "Bladder Control and You"?

When you actually get back into the exam room
after a lengthy wait- it is like winning the lottery!
You're ecstatic!
You have reached the half-way point!

But, most times the joy is short-lived.
Another type of wait continues.

However, this can be a more comfortable wait.
Here, all alone- away from the shifty eyes
of other patients-
you can take off your shoes,
pick your teeth,
adjust your underwear,
or take a nap.

I have memorized the wall charts
in every exam room I've ever visited.
There's something very empowering
about being able to blurt out the parts
of the inner ear at your next dinner party.
And it may come in handy someday
to know the location of the spleen-
in case you have to perform
emergency at-home surgery.

I have played with the blood pressure cuffs
and weighed myself (and the trash can)
several times in one wait.

I've depressed my own tongue,
swabbed my dirty ears,
and used the cotton balls
to remove stubborn shoe scuffs.

NOTE: If at all possible,
it is always a good idea to avoid
examination rooms that are equipped with
defibrillators, drills, stirrups,
or fine stainless steel cutlery.

After a waiting room experience
of any great length,
it is strongly recommended that
you see a doctor immediately.
Complications such as eye strain,
sore muscles,
and complete lunacy may occur.

I have just discovered that the same genius
who coined the word "waiting room"
also created another very appropriate word-

Go figure.