Saturday, April 3, 2010

Oh,Captain, My Captain ! (C)

I am taking my first cruise very soon,    
and I thought it not only necessary-
but also psychologically therapeutic-
to personally address the ship captain
with my concerns.
Here is a copy of the letter
that I am forwarding to him.

Dear Captain,

Although I have been assured that you are very experienced in the mastery of high seas sailing, I cannot help but be reminded of a good friend named Skipper who was also misled into believing his nautical skills were beyond reproach.

You and I both know this is not a simple three hour tour, so I fully expect that you have made all the crucial arrangements in case of a possible unplanned land collision.

First off, make sure there are no Gingers aboard. I have an aversion to beautiful Botox bombshells  with fake beauty marks and the rare talent of walking on sand perfectly in high heels. My husband has shown no weaknesses in the roving-eye department, but why even provide that temptation? I'm just saying.

Secondly, I prefer not to be stranded with someone as wholesome and goody-goody as Mary Ann. Contrary to popular belief, there are still women like her out there in this world- and their syrupy sweetness is enough to make the pope gag. I seriously feel as though I could not stomach the gingham, hair bows, and permanent positive attitude for any length of time. So please plan your manifest accordingly.

I wouldn't mind being shipwrecked with someone like Professor What's-His-Name , but could you please make him look like George Cloony or Gerard Butler? And it would also be advantageous if he could cook like Emeril, build like Bob Villa, swim like Flipper and entertain like Brian Reagan.

Most importantly, please inform all millionaires to leave their money in the bank, and instead bring more essential items in their luggage. Such as: Coffee and coffee maker, flat screen TV, 300 thread count sheets, expensive shampoo and blow dryer, (and- if you fear the deserted island may become our new home- please supply Clairol #9 Super Blond hi-gloss, moisturizing  hair coloring), ipods, cells, magazine subscriptions, laptops, sunscreen(of course), q-tips, floss- and a treasure chest of chocolate bars.

Lastly, please forewarn all passengers with the name Gilligan, that they will be forcefully and premeditated-ly drowned at sea before reaching the sandy shoreline.

In addition,all cruisers with the name of Locke, Jack, Sawyer, and Kate are to be avoided and ignored at all costs. We can't afford to be Lost.

In the unfortunate occurrence that there are not a sufficient number of lifeboats, I want to remind you that the captain does go down with the ship. So mark your position accordingly.

I sincerely hope our journey will be a safe and memorable one. I just wish we weren't sailing on Carnival's newest ship- the S.S. Minnow. I totally have concerns.

Here's to smooth sailing. Bon Voyage!