Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Electrolysis 101 (E)

While standing in line
at the grocery store the other day,
I couldn't help but notice the straggly beard
of the customer in front of me.

I'm not judgmental,
but let's get real here.

It was a woman.

Apparently blind.
Or tweezer challenged.
And obviously oblivious
to the chin hairs
that protruded from her face
like a porcupine in heat.

I just wanted to wrestle her to the floor
and pluck those babies-
and be done with all the nonsense.

But instead,
I decided to channel my disgust
in a more constructive manner.

I have written a little primer
for all women who may be
teetering on the edge of
Testosterone Valley
or ascending Menopause Mountain.

I'm here to share a bit of it
with you nice folks today.


Even if you are fifty-something, living in a twenty-something world on a thirty-something budget, mourning your forty-something years- there comes a time when you must look in the mirror and realize that middle age has arrived. 
And while you are contemplating those crows feet and laugh lines, please check the chin area for stray eyebrows that incredibly descend to the lower face area without prior warning.
DO NOT ignore them.
Even if they are so tiny that you need to utilize your ten-times- magnification-mirror, you must eradicate them before they blossom into a full blown beard.
Years Months of experience has taught me that a chin hair can be
soft and microscopic one day, and as strong and as long as twenty pound fishing line the next.
Don't let their innocence fool you. No good will come of chin hairs left unchecked.

Chapter Two: PLUCKING
As with any job done well, the proper tools must be utilized in order to obtain successful results. It is best not to cut corners here if you value your health and safety.
Many women, in a state of panic, tend to use the first thing available as a plucker. This is totally unacceptable. And often times dangerous.
Believe me, ladies, I am sharing this with you, based on first hand experience.

DO NOT use pliers. 
Even though they may seem larger and more durable than the Tweezerman tweezers, their brute force and  blunt nose can inflict large wounds and gaping, bleeding sores that only call more attention to that particular area.

DO NOT use cigarette lighters.
Even though a butane lighter seems to work well on rope and fishing line, it is not the tool for ridding yourself of facial hair. Third degree burns can occur, along with elimination of perfectly good eyebrows and lovely lashes.

The booklet goes on to describe first hand accounts for learning purposes:

Once when I was in the ladies dressing room trying on clothes, I glanced at myself in the mirror and noticed a chin hair that was long enough to use as a scarf. I was terrified and embarrassed! How long had that ginormous hair been there? How had it not strangled me in the middle of the night?
Being the stupid resourceful woman that I am, I rummaged hysterically through my purse for something that would amputate my newly-formed hairy third arm.
All I had was a lighter.
Swoooooooossssshhhhhhhh! On came the sprinkler system!
I suppose it wasn't difficult to pinpoint the perpetrator by the large blister on my chin.
A really nice looking young policeman escorted me to the station while I attempted to hide the blister- with hair follicle still intact- beneath my turtleneck.
After much paperwork, interrogation and intimidation, I was finally released with a warning.

"You're free", the cop said to me, escorting me to the door.

You say I'm free?" I exclaimed. 
"How can any woman with chin hairs ever really be free?!"