The air was sweet as I walked outside
to get the mail,
our rural mailbox still a bit cockeyed
from a slight miscalculation
of the lawnmowers turn radius.
(Don't tell.)
Due to some extra daytime siestas-
(which some prefer to call naps)
I failed to fetch the daily mail
for a couple of days.
Yay! There was a magazine!
And a flimsy booklet of
money saving coupons.
I wasn't too excited about those.
It was usually a two dollar savings
on thirty dollar teeth-whitening strips,
or fifty cents off ten cans of cat food.
But as I went back inside the house
shuffling a thin stack of envelopes,
I paused where my daughter was
watching TV.
"Hmmmmm...." I said, turning over the
red envelope with careful examination.
"What?" my daughter Erin asked, "something for me?"
"Hmmmmm....," I said again. "Not sure....
It's addressed to The Household Trendsetter."
I saw her eyes start to roll.
"Would that be me?" I asked, poking a
stiff index finger in the middle of my heart,
"Or would that be you?"
I pointed toward Erin.
"Obviously, it's me,"Erin snorted, "because
just look at you!"
I glanced down at myself
and looked back at her with questions
in my eyes.
"What are you saying, Child? Is there
a problem with my outfit?"
"Mom. Seriously. What's with that
goofy sweater?
"It's warm,'" I tell her.
"Well, for one thing- it's purple.
No one wears that kind of purple...."
"It's magenta." I interrupt her.
"....There's a button missing,
it has a giant hole in the elbow and
it hangs on you funny," she informed me.
"Plus... those jeans haven't been in style
since Donna Summers was on the top ten
pop chart."
"Oh, Miss Smartie Pants, I guess you
would have me wearing something that
shows the crack of my butt every time
I bend over, or jeans that cost more than
our water heater!' I defended myself.
"And...," she added. "Who in the world wears
a tee shirt with a Crisco logo in the front?"
"It was free. With ten box tops.
Plus postage and handling." I told her.
Then she began studying me a bit closer.
"How long since you've had your hair done?
It's got that mullet-thing going on.
And I know that red and green toenail
polish is from Christmas!"
Cruel, cruel girl.
"Well, at least my toes are polished!"
I lashed back. "Your toes look like
Frodo's. And how can you possibly
call yourself a trendsetter when you're
still wearing slap bracelets!'
"Mom, "she said dryly. " It's not a slap bracelet.
It's an awareness bracelet."
"Well, apparently you aren't aware
that it doesn't match your top," I informed her.
"Doesn't have to. That's the trend nowadays, Mom.
I don't have to wear yellow socks with my
yellow hoodie, or carry a green purse with my green dress.
Things have changed since you crawled
out of your fashion-challenged cave."
"Turn that darn TV off! You've been watching
too much Stacy and Clinton or Orange Housewives
or whatever!"
About that time, Erin snatched the mail in question
from my fingertips.
She flips through it and hands it back in disgust.
I quickly glance at the inside cover model.
"Oh, look at that pretty purple sweater! I exclaim.
And I sing-song it all through the house
in my Donna Summer jeans
and tee shirt.
(Free tee shirt, may I remind you!)
I'm the Household Trendsetter.
Yes, indeed.
