Thursday, May 7, 2009

Snail Shopping

I'm here today to tell you this:
I made a horrible, horrible
mistake yesterday.

It was frightening,
to say the least,
- a nightmare that
haunted me throughout the day
and far into the night.

A mistake that shadows me
even as I write.

I can barely say it.
But here goes-

Oh, My Good Grief!!!
I have never seen so many
blue hairs in one place- ever!
And I bet there wasn't one single
dark haired man in the
entire store!

I should have suspected the worst
when I tried to find a parking place.
All the cars had handicap stickers
or were parked cockeyed
and crooked.

All the mobile /wheelchair carts
were missing from the lineup-
and there was a faint smell of
mothballs and Metamucil.

When those big, double
automatic doors slid open,
I thought that someone had
placed me in slow-motion mode.

Carts moved by the millimeter,
hands reached for potatoes
with anti-gravity fingers-
and the deli line
was ten wide and three thick
because there was a huge sale
on pressed ham.

I was caught in a maze
of slow carts
and fragile human dinosaurs.

It took hours to even get close
to the dairy products.

I was a roadrunner in
a snail town.

Don't get me wrong-
I'm not insensitive to the elderly.
(In fact, in two years
I can get my AARP card).

And it was TOTALLY my fault
that I got trapped in their party.
BUT, I am still suffering the blow
to my system.
I still feel as though I spent
an entire day like a lab rat
on depressants.

I got my calendar out this morning
and took a red marker and
wrote across every Wednesday
for the whole year-

They say you learn from
your mistakes,
but I'm beginning to think
I might need professional help
to get past this one.