Thursday, July 31, 2008

If I Were A Super Hero

I told my husband the other day that I've come to the conclusion that Marvel and DC Comics sexually discriminate against women. Although I will agree that there are a hand full of women super heroes, the vast list of male super action stars could span the earth a thousand-million-trillion times.

And not only do their names advertise their gender- BatMAN, HellBOY, SpiderMAN, X-MEN, IronMAN- but almost all of them flaunt their stuff in snug, tight fitting super hero uniforms that never seem to bunch up, wrinkle or stain. Come on guys- wouldn't you rather fight crime in a nice pair of comfortable jeans and a tee shirt?

I guess my sentiment on that subject probably answers the question of why there are so few woman super heroes.

If I was a super hero...

First, I would forgo the cape.
I mean, what good is it, really? Just an extra piece of material that is an accident waiting to happen. It could easily be caught beneath a rolling grocery cart, get mangled in the spin cycle on laundry day, and keep flipping in my eyes as I fly to the Dairy Queen.

The only real good thing about the cape is- it might make a good cover-up to mask those unwanted pounds, hide the pizza grease on my big fat S, (I said S!!!), or to replace a bulky umbrella.

Then there comes the problem of choosing an appropriate super hero outfit...

Sorry- no spandex for me.
(Unless, of course, Hell freezes over- that's when my husband says he'd like to see me wearing spandex.)

But, I will need something flexible, comfortable, stain resistant and inexpensive.
Like pajamas. Yes, that's it.

No knee-high super boots for me, either.
Can you imagine how hot those suckers would get when you're crusin' the equator or waiting in line at Starbucks?

I must say I actually like the idea of a hooded mask...

I could wake up with a bad hair day and just say "Oh, Honey, I think I'll wear my super hero outfit today."
Then pull that baby over my bed-head, cover my make-up free face, and not ever be recognized by anyone I owe money to.

Enhanced vision and keen hearing would be a plus in any given situation.
That way I could see if the cooks at Taco Bell are perspiring over my burrito or making fun of my goofy outfit.

Flying would be the best!
I could leave home at one second till 2 -and still get to the bank on time to keep my check from bouncing!

But, I guess my husband is right about a lot of things.
First of all- the world would never pick a weak scardey-cat like me to fight their villains.
Second- I'm a woman.That's justification enough.
For example:

Our enemies have just released a nuclear weapon and it's heading toward us as we speak. I have only micro-seconds to react.
Is my super hero costume clean?
Does it make my butt look big?
Should I go interstate or cross-country?
Should I travel at the speed of light or the speed of sound?
If I save the world, what will I fix for supper tonight?

And then,flying over cities and towns, I would use my super x-ray vision.
"Oh, my gosh- a yard sale!
Gotta stop for just a tiny minute..."