Friday, July 18, 2008

Choosing A Cell Phone: A Ladies Primer

I'm getting quite excited. Next week I get to pick out a new cell phone.
But for those that know me, you all understand that it may prove to be quite a shock to the system. There are so many options to choose from anymore. How does a gal know what's right for her? So, I am making a quick list of things I must have and nix those options I don't really need. Take notes, girls.

Well, to begin with, the cell phone must be easy to hold and transport.
I don't want to dig into my purse to find some teensy, tiny, matchbook-sized phone beeping out “Love Shack” for everybody in WalMart to hear. People have a strange tendency to stare at a woman who has a purse as big as a bowling bag and a phone as small as a cracker. Especially when she's spilling out every piece of change and sticky gum wrapper and old receipt that she's toting around, trying to find the source of the musical ring - the entire time mumbling, “Crap, crap, crap...” under her breath in the Bible aisle.

Okay, so now we move along to the buttons:
I don't see well without my glasses, (which are usually sitting in the bathroom next to my stack of reading material). But, heck, I don't see that great with them, either! So, the buttons must be legible in an emergency. I'll never get 911 by dialing 622 or 844 or whatever my blurred vision tricks me into seeing. Ideally, the buttons must be larger than a grain of salt- but smaller than a Post-It note. I am hoping to find a phone with buttons as large as a stamp. There is nothing more difficult in the world than trying to push a pea sized button with a bratwurst-sized finger!

There are so many added features to cell phones today. However, I've narrowed it down quite nicely, I think:
I don't need texting because I can't type faster than 10wpm anyway. By the time I got done typing in "hello", I coulda visited in person!
I don't need television or game capability- it's hard enough to see my 40 inch flat screen at home when I'm sitting two feet in front of it!
I definitely don't want Blue Tooth.( Sorry, but there isn't anything more ridiculous in the world than seeing a grown woman with a bird-sized ear bud wrapped around her lobe, talking to herself in the ladies room). (It's truly embarrassing, too, when you continue to answer her questions from the adjacent stall, not realizing she's Blue Toothin' with her mother the whole time!")
I don't need GPS features. I know my way to get groceries, the mall, and the drive through at the liquor store- so what's to need?!! I've never gotten lost yet. (Now, if they want to add something that will help me remember where I parked my car, I'm all for it!)

It's amazing how cell phones emerged from black and silver into cool blue, vibrant orange, passionate purple, frosted cranberry and apple green. Keep it simple, I always say. Besides, when I see a fifty year old lady with a pink phone, I put her right straight into the Floozie catagory. Don't you agree?

Although I need the basics, this one thing is very important- I don't want anything cheap. No plastic or wobbly buttons or antennas that break off. No flips that flop or bar phones that bend. No chocolate that melts down or blackberries that turn sour. (That's a joke there).

MP3, internet, music files, and 1500 ring tones? Don't need 'em. Just give me two or three rings to choose from, such as a beep, a chime, and “Sweet Home Alabama”- (I will choose-depending on how wild a mood I'm in).
As far as all the added features, the only one I really want is a camera. Don't figure I'll ever really use it, but as I always tell people - you never know when you might run across a UFO or Big Foot and not have a freakin' camera looped around your neck!

So, when shopping for a cell phone, us gals have basically come up with the same conclusions we came up with when we were shopping for a man:
1.Don't need nothin' fancy.
2.But won't settle for cheap.
3. Size does matter!!