Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Shoe Chat (say that three times fast!)

I suppose I must admit that I have the every day luxury
of wearing my choice of footwear.

Being an "at-home blogger"
who does pitifully less around the house
besides poke the keyboard,
drink enormous amounts of caffeine,
and keep pajama makers in business-
I think I may be qualified to say
that there is nothing better than barefoot.

However, we all know that society frowns
on barefoot people in large department stores,
at social events,
and in public group activities.

So, outside the confines of my home,
I must choose a footwear that is both
fashionable and comfortable.
And, believe me- it gets more difficult as I age.

You just don't see many elderly women
in the grocery store wearing flip flops.
They usually have on some strappy orthopedic number
in an unattractive shade of brownish-gray-
paired with a dead-flesh-colored knee-high nylon.

I just can't go there.
I don't care how old and decrepit I get.
I'll never resort to old lady shoes- even when I'm 110.

But, then again- good choices are limited.
I would never think of wearing gold lame' slippers,
leopard scuffs,
or calf-high boots the size and appearance of a small sheep.

I refuse shoes with tire tread soles the thickness of a novel,
knee boots with foot-breaking heels,
or anything made of rubber, plastic, organic
or synthetic polymerized materials.

I suppose Crocs might be a safe alternative-
but have you ever tried to run in them?
Not that I do much running (if I can help it),
but you never know when you may have to
take quick cover from a tornado,
a mall terrorist,
or suffer the sudden effects of a MSG-laden dinner salad.

There are times when heels seemed to be the only proper footwear.
Usually for funerals.
That's what I save mine for.
Except they cause shooting pains in all 26 bones of each foot.
The last funeral I went to, my feet hurt so badly
that I found myself envying the body.
She looked so comfortable in that big satin box-
getting to lay down and rest without shoe problems.

(Of course, that's pretty extreme...I do love breathing.)

The famous Dr. Scholls (Do we even know what this guy looks like?),
has invented a new footwear item that I wanted to share with you today.
They're called "Fast Flats".

Maybe you've seen the commercial.

A night of disco...crazy dance moves..sore feet..
Well, just whip out your little bagged slippers
and get your groove on without the foot pain !

Dr. Scholl's website introduces them this way:

"Fast Flats™ are compact and foldable shoes that fit discreetly in a purse and come with a wristlet for easy storage and portability. This spare pair is perfect for nights out, weddings, traveling through airports and other times when a long trek in heels won’t cut it. Women can even wear Fast Flats™ during their commute, and then slip in to their fashionable shoes just in time to hit the office.
Most women know what it’s like to dread taking another step in heels when their feet have had enough. In fact, a recent survey conducted by DR. SCHOLL’S® FOR HER found that 70 percent of women admit to taking their shoes off after a night out because they were so uncomfortable. And 80 percent of women surveyed said that when their feet hurt, it affects their mood."


They retail for about $13.

But, ladies-my suggestion is to just keep that $13
for another round of margaritas-
and just pack a sweet-looking pair of socks
in your disco bag.

Or better yet- stay home.
Just slip on your pajama pants,
go barefoot,
and leave the dancing to the Stars.