Saturday, October 30, 2010
One nice thing about these clear, crisp mornings is the time it gives me to reflect. A cup of hot coffee, some warm slippers- and my mind drifts off to things and to places that my heart needs to nurture. There are some things that have weighed heavily on my mind lately, and the waning down of these sweet October days has ultimately caused me to want to free myself of them- once and for all. Who to better share them with, but to all of you who have chosen to come here and be a part of my everyday joy?
I have always had this huge empty room inside my soul that beat like a painful toothache. Outside the door is a sign that says, """ Who I Am". I knew that if I could fill that space with goodness, then the ache would go away and my life would be more complete.
But nothing ever fit right. My dreams and actions were either too big or too small or too weak to make a difference. One day I could envision the perfect "me"- and the next day it would seem foolish -or rash- or beyond my reach. I thought that writing was the key to my life.
After over two years of blogging, I am no closer to filling that room. I can't help but wonder - if I had put as much effort into my life as I have into my writing- maybe things would be different. And the only way I will really ever know is to reroute my energy elsewhere.
It may be hard for some of you to understand, but when that special room is empty, then you never quite feel like you fit in. Try as you might, your life never quite connects with another - and forcing the puzzle pieces together only prolongs the agony- and reaffirms the huge realization that you need to do something great and meaningful in your life.
There is always the chance that my room will forever be empty. That time will run out or I will give up... or I'll finally just ignore it and it will shrivel up and disappear. But to do that, I must stop breathing- and I do love and cherish my life so.
Maybe this is too deep. Too sentimental. Too wacko. But, that is the glory of these slow autumn days. There are no boundaries to what we can think, imagine or do.
I'm setting out among the fallen leaves like a soldier marching to battle. I am ready to face my fears and fight the obstacles and take paths that I've ignored along the way. I am going to find whatever it takes to fill that room. I am challenging myself to create a new identity, not only in my pastimes, but also in my health and spiritual being.
So, I'm going away for awhile. Letting this computer idle. Allowing my ambitions to soar above this keyboard and coffee cup to a better me.
I may be back. I will miss you all dearly. But- who knows where the days will take me?
Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach