Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Let's Get Real, Shall We?

No doubt most of you
have noticed the annoying flashing ads
on the margin of your favorite web sites.

I rarely click on them.

They usually want volumes
of personal information
like your blood type,
and PIN numbers on all bank accounts.

But a few weeks ago, I couldn't resist.
I clicked.

I mean- who wouldn't want to know
the trick of having a tiny belly?

I like tricks.
They save time and energy.
They are like super shortcuts
or magic pills.
They make me smile.

So, of course I was curious.

Well, the secret is a tiny berry called Acai.
In pill form, it encorages weight loss
and helps burn calories.

Sounds like my kind of trick.

However, in most cases,
this miracle berry must be used in conjunction
with Colon Cleanse-
a natural herb formula
that eliminates waste from your body.

I thought about this for barely a minute.
Let's get real here, shall we?

It makes you poop.

It takes that delicious pepperoni pizza
and fudge brownie
and flushes them from your system
like they didn't even happen.

The makers of Advanced Colon claim that:
"An average American will eat 4-6 meals/day and have a typical bowel-movement (bm) once a day. This leaves anywhere from 5-8 meals of food sitting in your system at any given time."

To me- that means these colon cleansing agents
are going to make me want to crap my pants
all day long.
How many working people out there have
the time and the opportunity to
run to the toilet 5-8 additional times a day?

Can you imagine the extra expense of toilet paper?
The water bill after continuous flushing?
The consequences of not getting there on time?

Advanced Colon also informs us that:
" It's NOT uncommon for people to carry as much as thirty pounds of toxic waste in their colon. In fact, some bowels, when autopsied, weighed up to 40 pounds with a diameter of 12" (30cms) with only a narrow passage through which feces could be eliminated."

Sick stuff here, people....

Yet- I couldn't help but continue reading.
One guinea pig woman claims to have
lost nine pounds in one week.
And within three weeks she had lost 23 pounds!
She also states that she went down THREE dress sizes
within that time.

Well, I just can't help but think
that Poopy Polly is a liar.

It takes me eighteen months to lose 23 pounds
and at least 100 pounds to drop three dress sizes!
This is no trick- it's a scam!

Eating blueberries all the live-long day,
supplemented with huge portions of Ex-Lax
can pretty much achieve similar results.

the thought of having a tiny belly again
seems somehow worth the extra budgeting
for Super Soft Charmin.

Or Depends.