Suck It Up. Pull It In. Roll It Back.

Originally posted in my "Ten in '10" Blog

Thursday, January 7, 2010...

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is." ~Helen Rowland
*****

Well, we all knew that sooner or later, I'd get to the post about weight. It's kinda been like that big orange Hungry Monster on the Weight Watcher commercials. I've tried to ignore him -and talking about it just makes it worse. He's killing me. Literally.
My big plans for weight loss last year, fizzled into avoidance issues- and so I started this new year out with an extra two pounds. There are babies that size! I'm carrying around a little puppy- a kitten- a couple of pound cakes!
And I'm shortening my life...
Why can't losing weight be as simple as getting in the car and driving across town? Why can't we just get inside our own heads, steer toward the correct foods, and drive our way to skinny-dom?
Why can't we follow a diet like we follow a receipe for Three Cheese Lasagna?
Why can't we make good diet habits as well as we do grooming habits?
Why is it that some women can succeed at business, motherhood, and marriage,but fail miserably when it's time to diet?
I'm beginning to think there are no answers. You just gotta have faith, walk the straight and narrow- and ignore that Hungry Monster.
Kill him, actually.
*****
"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad." ~Janette Barber
*****

Heaviness is a thief. It steals your energy, your glow, your relationships and your appearance. It doesn't care who it hurts- it just wants to be fed. It's counting on you to keep it alive - to keep sculpting this huge statue with cellulite and fat rolls and cholesterol clogged arteries.
Face it. It isn't pretty.Fat is ugly. Thin is in.
Or more importantly- healthy is what we should be striving for- not an impossible goal that we can never keep. It is simply a change of habit.
Now, how hard can that be?
Well, in my case, about as hard as winning the lottery.
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"I bought a talking refrigerator that said "Oink" every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops." ~Marie Mott
*****
We all know that the first step is getting rid of the temptation. Why would you want Brad Pitt naked in your bed- when you know it's not good for your marriage? Then why do we have donuts in our kitchen when we know it is bad for our health?
I keep saying I'm going to get a variety of fruit and vegetables and sort them into small baggies so that they will be easily accessible when a snack attack occurs. I love pears and pineapple and bananas. They are as good as cake and cookies and candy.
But if you place all of them in front of me- nine times out of ten- I'll choose the cake.
Same way with veggies. I adore broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage, but given a choice-
I almost always choose pasta, salami and cheese.
I should not have choices!!!
*****

" I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." ~Erma Bombeck
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I am in the process of inventing a brand new diet aid. It's called the "Meal Detector".

You know- like a metal detector. You set it up at the kitchen door and when you walk through it, it beeps an alarm if you attempt to bring anything into the house that isn't on the diet plan. There's the optional x-ray machine, too. It will find the candy bars hidden in the Tampax box or the Twinkies shoved into the cups of your new bra.

Think I could make a million!!!!

*****

"The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life." ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave
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Seriously, we all know that we need to change. It's the thing we all wish for the most, but are the least willing to do. We aren't dumb. We know how. There are hundreds of books on the subject- thousands of products and aids- millions of reasons to choose the right road.
So, why am I walking backwards?

I suppose we need to make dieting our priority. Above dishes and laundry and dusting.
I'm guilty of running the vacuum while eating cold pizza. Or washing clothes while I munch on a Snickers.
If it takes leaving the dishes in the sink and the towels in the hamper for us to take the time to sit down and eat a decent meal of healthy food- then, by all means- let the house go! It is far better than letting the temple of your body turn into a Budda.
*****

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
~Dr. Seuss

*****
I know that I have several things to look forward to this year. Things that should motivate me into getting fit. We are planning the first family reunion in several years, my husband wants to take a real vacation, and I need to be thinking about my son's upcoming wedding.
I don't want to be oinking at the trough or huffing across the campsite or waddling down the aisle.
I want people to look at me and think that I have made the right choices. That I am healthy. That I glow. That the Hungry Monster is finally dead. And buried forever.
But I have the steering wheel. I own the car. I know the map. I am the only one that can make myself start the journey.
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"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." ~Author Unknown
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People do it every day. They win. They change.They don't give up.
We are as good as they are.
And as strong.
So we must imagine ourselves as successful.
Suck it up. Pull it in. Roll it back.
Breathe again....
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"When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty." ~Woody Allen
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I want to do this so bad, I could cry.
And I do.
Sometimes the bathroom scale is like a knife that cuts me to the core, bruises my soul and slaps me in the face.
I hate it.
But I love it for it's honesty.
Even if we start this diet with a disillusioned heart, we must learn to make the best of it. To put forth our best smile, best food, (EDIT: Sorry- I meant to put the word foot here!) prettiest face, a winning attitude and a distant dream.
We must see the good and positive in ourselves, or how else will we deserve to win?
It can be done.
I just hope I can prove that this year.
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"People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet." ~Sa'Di

A Timeless Love

Originally Posted in "Leaves The Color Of Fire" Blog

Thursday, August 27, 2009...

At midnight violent waves did crest
Upon the ragged rocks they tore-
Till a tattered vessel came to rest-
crashing, crippled, on the shore.
The Baron's daughter, from her bed
heard crying from below
And prayed that none the men be dead
amid the fog- now thick and low.
When dawn came then, she hurried so
and found a sailor on the sand
Where torrent winds came up to blow
the lantern from her trembling hand.
And there fell she- a tearful sight-
fearing then the captain's plight.

The young captain's head then up arose
and the Baron's daughter cried-
"Can we save not one of those?"
Said he- "They all have died."
Looking out to sea, she wept
For the bodies washed from shore-
Their eyes folded as if at sleep-
To live- to laugh no more.
She led the captain up the lane
to her father's house upon the hill-
the captain's leg in frenzied pain-
the wind now ebbing close to still.
And by the fires warmth and light
the captain slept throughout the night.

"Twas springlike air that entered in
the open window when morning came
And there was no sign the storm had been-
except the captain, tired and lame.
The Barons daughter then tapped upon
the wooden door- said she,
"Captain, sir, it's way past dawn-
I've brought you food and tea."
The handsome man sat up in bed-
He smiled and bid her stay
as the Baron's daughter's hair of red
Glittered in the light of day.
And the captain's heart was quickly won
As she stood, enchanting, in the sun.
"My name is Anna," she said to him.
"I'm Antony," said he.
And she secretly eyed the gentleman
as he slowly sipped his tea.
Briefly then, he touched her hand,
As now his empty cup she took-
She laid the tray on the bedside stand
and handed him a nearby book.
"Rest now, Captain Antony.
I'll be back very soon."
And he rose his head to bid farewell
As Anna left the room.
And through the day- in every place-
he saw her eyes, her smile, her face.

The next day Anna bid him stay
till he was no longer ill.
The Baron had long ago passed away
and she was now mistress of the hill.
So every day their eyes would meet
as she nursed him back to new.
Slowly friendship bloomed so sweet-
And then the passion grew.
Till even in his deepest sleep
Anna was at his side-
Each passing moment he sought to keep
love that could not be denied.
And the more and more he thought of this-
he imagined the lips of Anna, kissed.

So Anna and the captain there
Spent all the spring together-
Weaving such an intense care
that no wickedness could sever.
And pleasantly they lived upon the hill
Where they spent a happy life.
So certain that their love was real,
they took vows as man and wife.

And when the nights became windy and black
and the waves began to toss-
They would sit by the fire and remember back
To the nights their paths did cross.
Now there upon the Baron's hill
The two are resting- silent and still.
And sometimes you can hear Anna announcing "tea"
as Antony comes running up from the sea.

Wall Street Meets Sesame Street

Originally posted in Porch Ponderings on

Monday, April 6, 2009....

Wall Street met Sesame Street last week
when it was reported that the popular
public television show was cutting jobs
due to the strained economy.

The following is a personal interview
that I conducted behind the scenes
concerning this disappointing announcement...

******************

It is a hot day on Sesame Street, USA,
but I can feel a chill run up my spine
as, one by one, some of TV's best loved characters
gather around the popular street light
to voice their outrage over the cutbacks.

I asked them all how they were
handling the news.

"Me sad", says Cookie Monster,
"Me not know if me can
find work someplace else.
This my world.
This my life.
This my home.
Me already can't afford cookies.
How me be Cookie Monster without
cookies?"

Grover gently hugs Cookie Monster in a tearful
display of deep friendship and sympathy.

"I've been waiter- I've been Super Grover-
I live with Mommy- but I worry, too", he says in his
graveled tone.

It is evident that even Big Bird
feels the stress of possible unemployment
by the unseasonal molting of his once-thick
yellow feathers.
Instead of his usual perky attitude, Big Bird
stays in the back of the group,
occasionally reassuring his teddy bear Radar
that everything will be OK.

"Kermit The Frog here", the long-legged
amphibian speaks up. "I'll do well, I'm sure.
Everyone is going green nowadays,
so it's easier being green than, let's say,
back in the '70's-
and plus-I now have more time
to look for my Rainbow Connection.

And he breaks out in song:
"Someday we'll find it-
the Rainbow Connection-
The lovers, the dreamers,
and meeeee."

And then:

"I've alvedy put my vesume in at
a local accounting firm." the Count suddenly
says in his choppy accent.
" I've ven vith Sesame Street for one year,
two year, three year, four year, five year..."

Count Von Count's voice trails off
as Oscar the Grouch pops from his
garbage can, in his typical surly mood,
adding his thoughts to the group.

"No problem." Oscar says, waving a
furry green hand, " I didn't like it here anyway.
Sesame Street sucks!
Me and my pet worm Slimy
are gonna hit the road."

The group shuffles uncomfortably, as a
familiar accent continues to break the
odd silence:
" twenty-two year, twenty-three year ,
twenty-four year ...."

Ernie and Bert look at one another
in despair and encourage the team to
gather for a final Sesame Street song.

"Gloomy day... Can't sweep these clouds away-
On our way to where we'll face defeat...
Can you tell me what to do- what to do-
after Sesame Street?
What to do after Sesame Street?"

Tears well up in their
furry and feathery eyes
as the counting continues:
"twenty-seven year, twenty-eight year...

The lights go dark on 123 Sesame Street.
The music grows silent.
It's a sad day for us all.

Sesame Street, USA.
Just another victim of America's
grim economy.